John Tucker Must Die

OUR REVIEW

Who's in It: Jesse Metcalfe, Brittany Snow, Ashanti, Sophia Bush, Arielle Kebbel, Jenny McCarthy
The Basics: Are you an 11-year-old girl? If you are, then this is going to be your favorite movie of the summer. And that's because you've probably not seen many other movies before. Briefly (but not briefly enough), it's about a rich-boy jock-god who cheats on three popular girls. This is a crime, and he must be punished. So they do. Sort of. Just enough to make you feel almost sorry for him.

What's the Deal? No one dies, that's the first deal. No one's allowed to die anymore (Heathers, the greatest teen movie of all time, became a real life Columbine). So there you go. Revenge-themed teen movies are doomed to suffer by comparison from now until the end of time. It wouldn't hurt so badly if this one weren't so dull. You end up wanting all of them to get hit by a school bus — the one that carries the truly unpopular nerds home at 3 p.m.

Does She Do Volunteer Work, Too? Apparently the main female character, a wallflower named Kate (Snow), is so interesting and rad that she listens to "old-school Elvis Costello, obscure podcasts and reads Dave Eggers." Oh really? Then why do we never see her doing these things until someone tells us she does them? Oh, right, because this movie doesn't care about its characters, that's why. In Pretty in Pink, you actually saw Molly Ringwald working at that hip record store.

Who's Good: Sophia Bush, as the vegan who does "it." And that's the film's one saving grace. The promiscuous one is the coolest one of the bunch. She doesn't have to be taught a moral lesson. Go, sluts!