OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley, Bill Nighy, Stellan Skarsgård
The Basics: Capt. Jack Sparrow is back to get himself out of a blood debt he owes to Davy Jones, one he has to pay for with his soul. Then there's the romance between Bloom and Knightley, which is just … you know … whatever. You don't really care. You just want more sword-fighting and skeletons and Nighy as Jones with his beard of tentacles.
What's the Deal? The first one was kind of boring, honestly. Depp and the cool army of skeletons kept it from feeling like a chore, but beyond that, it just felt empty and looooong. So they really stepped up their game for this one. It's still empty, but it moves faster from one cool action sequence to the next; the go-nowhere romance plot line is on the back burner, replaced by sea monsters and murderous islanders and an insane swordfight on a runaway mill wheel. Did I mention the beard of tentacles?
How Long, oh Lord? Again with the two-and-a-half-hour movie, just like Superman Returns. The good news is that, unlike the first one, you won't feel it. Totally passes the butt-shifting-in-seat test.
Give the Production Designer a Raise: Rich Heinrichs is the guy responsible for how awesome it all looks. He's the guy who did Sleepy Hollow and got an Oscar for it.
Countdown to Keith Richards: He's supposed to be playing Depp's father in the next one. You have to wait about a year for it. Meanwhile, on an unrelated note, how pissed off is Eddie Murphy that his Disneyland ride–turned–movie tanked while this one is almost Lord of the Rings big? I was just wondering about that is all.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Open Season(2006)
OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: The voices of Martin Lawrence, Ashton Kutcher, Gary Sinise, Debra Messing, Jon Favreau, Billy Connolly, Jane Krakowski
The Basics: Wow. An animated talking-animal movie. I can't tell you how long it's been since I've seen one of those. I wish Hollywood would make one of these every other week instead of being stingy and doling them out every few years like this.
What's the Deal? The truth is that this one is not so bad; I just wanted my pain acknowledged in public. And it's been a year of pain — 73 talking-animal movies and one talking-car movie and one talking-baseball movie, and I'm about done. But yeah, this one is not the worst of them. It saves itself with sweetness and a script that avoids the usual onslaught of pop-culture references and "hip" sarcasm and all the other crap that plagues this overdone genre.
What It's About: I know I should have written this part in "The Basics," but complaints had to come first. It's about animals that take back the forest from hunters, and it taught me a valuable lesson about Lawrence and Kutcher. That lesson is that I can deal with them when I don't have to look at them. I feel kind of liberated now. Bring on the animation featuring Tom Cruise!
Arrive Late: That way you can skip the opening bit in which Lawrence, as the bear, dances to a Talking Heads song and freaks you out and makes you think it's going to be like this for the entire film. But it's mostly OK after that. No Smash Mouth songs waiting patiently to ruin your day. In fact, former lead guy of The Replacements Paul Westerberg has written a nice little song score that doesn't clobber you over the head.
Who's in It: The voices of Martin Lawrence, Ashton Kutcher, Gary Sinise, Debra Messing, Jon Favreau, Billy Connolly, Jane Krakowski
The Basics: Wow. An animated talking-animal movie. I can't tell you how long it's been since I've seen one of those. I wish Hollywood would make one of these every other week instead of being stingy and doling them out every few years like this.
What's the Deal? The truth is that this one is not so bad; I just wanted my pain acknowledged in public. And it's been a year of pain — 73 talking-animal movies and one talking-car movie and one talking-baseball movie, and I'm about done. But yeah, this one is not the worst of them. It saves itself with sweetness and a script that avoids the usual onslaught of pop-culture references and "hip" sarcasm and all the other crap that plagues this overdone genre.
What It's About: I know I should have written this part in "The Basics," but complaints had to come first. It's about animals that take back the forest from hunters, and it taught me a valuable lesson about Lawrence and Kutcher. That lesson is that I can deal with them when I don't have to look at them. I feel kind of liberated now. Bring on the animation featuring Tom Cruise!
Arrive Late: That way you can skip the opening bit in which Lawrence, as the bear, dances to a Talking Heads song and freaks you out and makes you think it's going to be like this for the entire film. But it's mostly OK after that. No Smash Mouth songs waiting patiently to ruin your day. In fact, former lead guy of The Replacements Paul Westerberg has written a nice little song score that doesn't clobber you over the head.
Old Joy(2006)
OUR REVIEW
by Dave White
Who's in It: Daniel London, Will Oldham
The Basics: Two estranged buddies go on an overnight camping trip and realize they've lost each other for good. There's very little plot; they drive and pretty scenery happens, dread-filled Air America squawks out of the radio, they stop for gas, they go to a hot spring and soak in a tub, smoke some pot and feel sad about letting each other go.
What's the Deal? Movies that trade A-B-C plot for mood are an opportunity for you to test how well you see and listen. Here it's about gestures and glances and shots of garbage strewn in a forest and hopeless talk radio pleading in the background — a lot of specific stuff adds up to a universal melancholy. It's about the saddest, and most beautiful, American movie of the year.
Shut Up, You: I'm already hearing from the haters on this one, people talking nonsense about how movies "about nothing" are boring and pretentious and how only film critics trying to appear cool end up liking them. And to them, I say this: Just because you're an unsophisticated film-watcher, don't come crying to me about it, Jerko. That's right, I said unsophisticated. Go Netflix some Ozu movies.
How It's Like Brokeback Mountain: They get naked together in the woods and one of them gives the other an impromptu and unrequested neck and shoulder massage. But that's as far as it goes. After a second you realize that nothing gay is going to happen; it's just a hippie thing, and one guy's attempt to reach out to the other one.
Who's the Guy With the Beard? Will Oldham, playing the stoner, is the indie-rock fixture who calls himself Bonnie Prince Billy and recorded under the Palace name before that. And if you go way back, he was also in John Sayles' Matewan.
by Dave White
Who's in It: Daniel London, Will Oldham
The Basics: Two estranged buddies go on an overnight camping trip and realize they've lost each other for good. There's very little plot; they drive and pretty scenery happens, dread-filled Air America squawks out of the radio, they stop for gas, they go to a hot spring and soak in a tub, smoke some pot and feel sad about letting each other go.
What's the Deal? Movies that trade A-B-C plot for mood are an opportunity for you to test how well you see and listen. Here it's about gestures and glances and shots of garbage strewn in a forest and hopeless talk radio pleading in the background — a lot of specific stuff adds up to a universal melancholy. It's about the saddest, and most beautiful, American movie of the year.
Shut Up, You: I'm already hearing from the haters on this one, people talking nonsense about how movies "about nothing" are boring and pretentious and how only film critics trying to appear cool end up liking them. And to them, I say this: Just because you're an unsophisticated film-watcher, don't come crying to me about it, Jerko. That's right, I said unsophisticated. Go Netflix some Ozu movies.
How It's Like Brokeback Mountain: They get naked together in the woods and one of them gives the other an impromptu and unrequested neck and shoulder massage. But that's as far as it goes. After a second you realize that nothing gay is going to happen; it's just a hippie thing, and one guy's attempt to reach out to the other one.
Who's the Guy With the Beard? Will Oldham, playing the stoner, is the indie-rock fixture who calls himself Bonnie Prince Billy and recorded under the Palace name before that. And if you go way back, he was also in John Sayles' Matewan.
Monster House (2006)
OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: The voices of Steve Buscemi, Nick Cannon, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Jon Heder, Kevin James, Jason Lee, Catherine O'Hara, Kathleen Turner, Fred Willard
The Basics: The creepy old house in the neighborhood really is haunted and likes to devour anyone who crosses its path. It also sucks stuff into the ground, has a face and isn't shy about making life pretty miserable for a trio of Harry Potter-ish kids.
What's the Deal? Motion-capture animated films are not my favorite thing. I mean, did you see The Polar Express? I don't care how big a hit that one was; it was seriously barfy. Well, the good news is that 2006 is the future, and the technology is much better. It doesn't try for the way humans really look (which always just winds up creepy) and goes for a more cartoony, stylized approach. And it's fun. Loud and frantic, but fun.
Who's in It: The voices of Steve Buscemi, Nick Cannon, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Jon Heder, Kevin James, Jason Lee, Catherine O'Hara, Kathleen Turner, Fred Willard
The Basics: The creepy old house in the neighborhood really is haunted and likes to devour anyone who crosses its path. It also sucks stuff into the ground, has a face and isn't shy about making life pretty miserable for a trio of Harry Potter-ish kids.
What's the Deal? Motion-capture animated films are not my favorite thing. I mean, did you see The Polar Express? I don't care how big a hit that one was; it was seriously barfy. Well, the good news is that 2006 is the future, and the technology is much better. It doesn't try for the way humans really look (which always just winds up creepy) and goes for a more cartoony, stylized approach. And it's fun. Loud and frantic, but fun.
Miami Vice(2006)
OUR REVIEW
by Dave White
Who's in It: Jamie Foxx, Colin Farrell, Gong Li, Naomie Harris
The Basics: Crockett and Tubbs have not aged one bit since 1985. That's weird! They still chase the bad guys in deep cover, and their personal lives still keep getting mixed up in it, which I think makes them bad at their jobs, right?
What's the Deal? Do not approach this movie like it's some kind of campy "I Heart the '80s" moment. It's stone-faced and serious. Because this is Michael Mann, a director so exacting that Entertainment Weekly just reported that he banned the color red from the film. This guy gives you deliberate character studies and moody art-house techniques in his big-budget Hollywood pictures. He demands that you think he's important. It would be annoying if his movies weren't mostly great.
The Violence Tastes Violence-y-er: I like a good bloodbath as much as the next moviegoer. But what's really powerful here is that the violence is reserved for the moments when it really deserves to be in the movie. And it's delivered with a major punch.
Anybody Out There Seen Shanghai Triad? It's this early '90s movie Gong Li was in, where she played the lone woman who was in with a powerful drug lord. Sort of like here. No spoilers or anything, but the character's fate is similar to here, too.
Amount of Actual Red: None deliberately inserted, it's true. No red clothes on major characters, no red sets, nothing but blood, stop lights, car brakes, T-shirts on extras and one sloppily painted wall they pass by in one scene. Yeah, I was looking for it. But still. There was red. Technically.
by Dave White
Who's in It: Jamie Foxx, Colin Farrell, Gong Li, Naomie Harris
The Basics: Crockett and Tubbs have not aged one bit since 1985. That's weird! They still chase the bad guys in deep cover, and their personal lives still keep getting mixed up in it, which I think makes them bad at their jobs, right?
What's the Deal? Do not approach this movie like it's some kind of campy "I Heart the '80s" moment. It's stone-faced and serious. Because this is Michael Mann, a director so exacting that Entertainment Weekly just reported that he banned the color red from the film. This guy gives you deliberate character studies and moody art-house techniques in his big-budget Hollywood pictures. He demands that you think he's important. It would be annoying if his movies weren't mostly great.
The Violence Tastes Violence-y-er: I like a good bloodbath as much as the next moviegoer. But what's really powerful here is that the violence is reserved for the moments when it really deserves to be in the movie. And it's delivered with a major punch.
Anybody Out There Seen Shanghai Triad? It's this early '90s movie Gong Li was in, where she played the lone woman who was in with a powerful drug lord. Sort of like here. No spoilers or anything, but the character's fate is similar to here, too.
Amount of Actual Red: None deliberately inserted, it's true. No red clothes on major characters, no red sets, nothing but blood, stop lights, car brakes, T-shirts on extras and one sloppily painted wall they pass by in one scene. Yeah, I was looking for it. But still. There was red. Technically.
Marie Antoinette(2006)
OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: Kirsten Dunst, Jason Schwartzman, Judy Davis, Rip Torn, Asia Argento, Marianne Faithfull, Steve Coogan, Rose Byrne, Molly Shannon
The Basics: Young, dumb and full of cake, the real Marie Antoinette, teen queen of France, probably never heard of Siouxsie and the Banshees. But in this movie, she gets to dance to that band while Paris burns and her doom draws near.
What's the Deal? Sofia Coppola's movies are seemingly all about Sofia Coppola's adolescence: the privileged rich girl trapped in a cage by outside forces. This queen is trapped in her castle like Scarlett Johansson was trapped in her hotel room (Lost in Translation) and like the Virgin Suicides girls were trapped in their bedrooms.
Yawn: Also, there are naps. And lying down on beds. And loafing on chaises. And in the grass. And in bathtubs. And then there are parties to break up that monotony. The movie is teenage girlhood, moving from dreamy boredom to excited pop music–scored shopping and parties. And it's brilliantly that.
Be Warned: Nothing happens. It's exactly what I just said it was about. This isn't a historical epic or a grown-up period drama. And it's not even about the French Revolution. It's about a nice, not-too-bright girl who doesn't get it and who gets punished for it all the same by being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Blink and You'll Miss: The purple sneakers.
Who's in It: Kirsten Dunst, Jason Schwartzman, Judy Davis, Rip Torn, Asia Argento, Marianne Faithfull, Steve Coogan, Rose Byrne, Molly Shannon
The Basics: Young, dumb and full of cake, the real Marie Antoinette, teen queen of France, probably never heard of Siouxsie and the Banshees. But in this movie, she gets to dance to that band while Paris burns and her doom draws near.
What's the Deal? Sofia Coppola's movies are seemingly all about Sofia Coppola's adolescence: the privileged rich girl trapped in a cage by outside forces. This queen is trapped in her castle like Scarlett Johansson was trapped in her hotel room (Lost in Translation) and like the Virgin Suicides girls were trapped in their bedrooms.
Yawn: Also, there are naps. And lying down on beds. And loafing on chaises. And in the grass. And in bathtubs. And then there are parties to break up that monotony. The movie is teenage girlhood, moving from dreamy boredom to excited pop music–scored shopping and parties. And it's brilliantly that.
Be Warned: Nothing happens. It's exactly what I just said it was about. This isn't a historical epic or a grown-up period drama. And it's not even about the French Revolution. It's about a nice, not-too-bright girl who doesn't get it and who gets punished for it all the same by being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Blink and You'll Miss: The purple sneakers.
The Marine(2006)
OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: John Cena, Robert Patrick, Kelly Carlson, Anthony Ray Parker, Abigail Blanca, Jerome Ehlers
The Basics: Discharged Iraq war vet Cena ignores that still-small voice inside that's begging him to jump-start his post-war career in pro wrestling and just-this-side-of-Federline rapping. Instead, he opts for a rent-a-cop gig in a big office building. Then Cena's wife gets herself kidnapped at a gas station by diamond thieves, led by Terminator 2's Patrick. Then that gas station blows up. Everything in this movie blows up.
What's the Deal? When a movie is this stupid and unconcerned with reality, the goal posts get moved. Is it fun anyway? Are there enough brutal killings? Enough car chases? Enough fireballs? Is the block-of-granite star ridiculously indestructible? And the answer here is yes. It sucks and yet it doesn't, you know?
My Three Favorite Parts That Don't Involve John Cena Running Through Gasoline Fires Unscathed or Diving Off High Cliffs and Not Breaking Any Bones:
1. One of Patrick's henchmen says of Cena, "This guy is like the Terminator!" Patrick just glares back at the guy and the camera goes close up on his eyes.
2. Patrick is talking on his cell phone to another crime accomplice, telling the unseen man on the other end that he's not going to get his cut of the big diamond heist. Then Patrick gets another call and says, "Can you hold on a minute?"
3. One of Patrick's other henchmen recounts how he was molested at summer camp as a teenager. And it's played for laughs. I guess the director just decided a moment of levity was needed amid all the death.
What It's Really About: The Iraq war may be a total fiasco that we're losing. But we're kicking the bad guys' butts. Yeah!
Who's in It: John Cena, Robert Patrick, Kelly Carlson, Anthony Ray Parker, Abigail Blanca, Jerome Ehlers
The Basics: Discharged Iraq war vet Cena ignores that still-small voice inside that's begging him to jump-start his post-war career in pro wrestling and just-this-side-of-Federline rapping. Instead, he opts for a rent-a-cop gig in a big office building. Then Cena's wife gets herself kidnapped at a gas station by diamond thieves, led by Terminator 2's Patrick. Then that gas station blows up. Everything in this movie blows up.
What's the Deal? When a movie is this stupid and unconcerned with reality, the goal posts get moved. Is it fun anyway? Are there enough brutal killings? Enough car chases? Enough fireballs? Is the block-of-granite star ridiculously indestructible? And the answer here is yes. It sucks and yet it doesn't, you know?
My Three Favorite Parts That Don't Involve John Cena Running Through Gasoline Fires Unscathed or Diving Off High Cliffs and Not Breaking Any Bones:
1. One of Patrick's henchmen says of Cena, "This guy is like the Terminator!" Patrick just glares back at the guy and the camera goes close up on his eyes.
2. Patrick is talking on his cell phone to another crime accomplice, telling the unseen man on the other end that he's not going to get his cut of the big diamond heist. Then Patrick gets another call and says, "Can you hold on a minute?"
3. One of Patrick's other henchmen recounts how he was molested at summer camp as a teenager. And it's played for laughs. I guess the director just decided a moment of levity was needed amid all the death.
What It's Really About: The Iraq war may be a total fiasco that we're losing. But we're kicking the bad guys' butts. Yeah!
Lassie(2006)
OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: Lassie, Samantha Morton, Peter Dinklage, Kelly Macdonald, Peter O'Toole
The Basics: Talk about kicking it old-school. This Lassie doesn't even talk with Steve Zahn's voice or make fart jokes. It's as though people from some whole other country made this movie. I don't know whether I know how to watch it properly. How come there aren't any cans of Pepsi with their labels facing the camera? This movie is messing with my mind!
What's the Deal? Poor family on the eve of World War II has Lassie, the girl dog that is always played by a boy dog. Poor family sells Lassie to buy food. Lassie escapes the new cruel owner and finds his/her way home in time for Christmas. And you will cry and cry and cry and cry and cry. And cry.
Kids Were Tougher Back in the Day: Ever see Old Yeller? They killed that dog at the end. And this one is almost as rough. Lassie goes to hell and back before the family reunion. Just warning you. Little ones might freak out. Older ones will love it, because it doesn't condescend to them. They might not know what condescension means, but they feel it all the same.
How It's Like The Great Escape: Lassie keeps busting out of cages and then getting caught again. At first you're like, "Stupid Lassie," but then you realize that (s)he's just the Steve McQueen of dogs.
Grown-Up Palatable: You will, in fact, possibly appreciate it even more than your kids will. It's one of the best animal movies to come along in a dog year.
Who's in It: Lassie, Samantha Morton, Peter Dinklage, Kelly Macdonald, Peter O'Toole
The Basics: Talk about kicking it old-school. This Lassie doesn't even talk with Steve Zahn's voice or make fart jokes. It's as though people from some whole other country made this movie. I don't know whether I know how to watch it properly. How come there aren't any cans of Pepsi with their labels facing the camera? This movie is messing with my mind!
What's the Deal? Poor family on the eve of World War II has Lassie, the girl dog that is always played by a boy dog. Poor family sells Lassie to buy food. Lassie escapes the new cruel owner and finds his/her way home in time for Christmas. And you will cry and cry and cry and cry and cry. And cry.
Kids Were Tougher Back in the Day: Ever see Old Yeller? They killed that dog at the end. And this one is almost as rough. Lassie goes to hell and back before the family reunion. Just warning you. Little ones might freak out. Older ones will love it, because it doesn't condescend to them. They might not know what condescension means, but they feel it all the same.
How It's Like The Great Escape: Lassie keeps busting out of cages and then getting caught again. At first you're like, "Stupid Lassie," but then you realize that (s)he's just the Steve McQueen of dogs.
Grown-Up Palatable: You will, in fact, possibly appreciate it even more than your kids will. It's one of the best animal movies to come along in a dog year.
Little Miss Sunshine(2006)
OUR REVIEW
by Dave White
Who's in It: Steve Carell, Greg Kinnear, Toni Collette, Alan Arkin, Paul Dano, Abigail Breslin
The Basics: A screwed-up family — that includes a failed motivational speaker, his angry wife, the wife's suicidal Proust scholar brother, a mute son and a drug-addicted grandfather — make a cross-country trip in a busted-up VW van so that the youngest child can compete in a child beauty pageant, even though she's not remotely JonBenét-ish.
What's the Deal? This is the coolest, smartest, funniest movie I've seen so far this year. I suffered through other people telling me this and building it up for me until I knew it couldn't compete with its own hype. In fact, I was distrustful because I've already seen enough pageant parody to last me a lifetime. But they found a new way, one that's fresh and shocking and sweet, all at the same time.
What It's Really About: How American culture has turned into a nonstop, pain-in-the-butt grasp for success, how it's not enough to be normal and happy. You have to be No. 1 at whatever you do, or you've failed. You loser.
by Dave White
Who's in It: Steve Carell, Greg Kinnear, Toni Collette, Alan Arkin, Paul Dano, Abigail Breslin
The Basics: A screwed-up family — that includes a failed motivational speaker, his angry wife, the wife's suicidal Proust scholar brother, a mute son and a drug-addicted grandfather — make a cross-country trip in a busted-up VW van so that the youngest child can compete in a child beauty pageant, even though she's not remotely JonBenét-ish.
What's the Deal? This is the coolest, smartest, funniest movie I've seen so far this year. I suffered through other people telling me this and building it up for me until I knew it couldn't compete with its own hype. In fact, I was distrustful because I've already seen enough pageant parody to last me a lifetime. But they found a new way, one that's fresh and shocking and sweet, all at the same time.
What It's Really About: How American culture has turned into a nonstop, pain-in-the-butt grasp for success, how it's not enough to be normal and happy. You have to be No. 1 at whatever you do, or you've failed. You loser.
Little Miss Sunshine(2006)
OUR REVIEW
by Dave White
Who's in It: Steve Carell, Greg Kinnear, Toni Collette, Alan Arkin, Paul Dano, Abigail Breslin
The Basics: A screwed-up family — that includes a failed motivational speaker, his angry wife, the wife's suicidal Proust scholar brother, a mute son and a drug-addicted grandfather — make a cross-country trip in a busted-up VW van so that the youngest child can compete in a child beauty pageant, even though she's not remotely JonBenét-ish.
What's the Deal? This is the coolest, smartest, funniest movie I've seen so far this year. I suffered through other people telling me this and building it up for me until I knew it couldn't compete with its own hype. In fact, I was distrustful because I've already seen enough pageant parody to last me a lifetime. But they found a new way, one that's fresh and shocking and sweet, all at the same time.
What It's Really About: How American culture has turned into a nonstop, pain-in-the-butt grasp for success, how it's not enough to be normal and happy. You have to be No. 1 at whatever you do, or you've failed. You loser.
by Dave White
Who's in It: Steve Carell, Greg Kinnear, Toni Collette, Alan Arkin, Paul Dano, Abigail Breslin
The Basics: A screwed-up family — that includes a failed motivational speaker, his angry wife, the wife's suicidal Proust scholar brother, a mute son and a drug-addicted grandfather — make a cross-country trip in a busted-up VW van so that the youngest child can compete in a child beauty pageant, even though she's not remotely JonBenét-ish.
What's the Deal? This is the coolest, smartest, funniest movie I've seen so far this year. I suffered through other people telling me this and building it up for me until I knew it couldn't compete with its own hype. In fact, I was distrustful because I've already seen enough pageant parody to last me a lifetime. But they found a new way, one that's fresh and shocking and sweet, all at the same time.
What It's Really About: How American culture has turned into a nonstop, pain-in-the-butt grasp for success, how it's not enough to be normal and happy. You have to be No. 1 at whatever you do, or you've failed. You loser.
Little Children
OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: Kate Winslet, Patrick Wilson, Jennifer Connelly, Jackie Earle Haley
The Basics: A suburban mom who's too good and smart for her surroundings (Winslet) has an affair with a stay-at-home dad (Wilson). They're surrounded by creeps and judgmental matrons and — here comes the movie's title — a paroled pedophile who can't seem to stay away from the neighborhood pool. But don't worry, all sins are judged in the movie's last act in the most annoying way possible.
What's the Deal? The suburbs, as anybody who's a fan of self-important movies like American Beauty will tell you, are hell on earth, full of hypocrites and dead souls and the place where the world's true evil comes to pass. Big-city filmmakers love this myth, because most of them grew up in the suburbs and then left them behind. Movies about the subject are like extended teenage rebellion.
What Doesn't Suck About It: There's something very cool about Winslet. It's like she realized early on how to be one of those direct, no-nonsense British actresses; she didn't let Titanic ruin her, and she went out of her way to choose parts that always make her look as though she was correct to take them, even if the movies themselves are lame.
Pedigree: It's from Tom Perrotta, the writer of Election, and writer-director Todd Field (In the Bedroom). So it's half black satirical comedy and half hand-wringing morality play.
That Darn Child Molester: If you're old enough to remember teen actor Jackie Earle Haley from the original Bad News Bears, that's him as the disturbed pedophile. He used to be kind of a surly teen heartthrob back in the day. Now he looks like a creepy pedophile.
Who's in It: Kate Winslet, Patrick Wilson, Jennifer Connelly, Jackie Earle Haley
The Basics: A suburban mom who's too good and smart for her surroundings (Winslet) has an affair with a stay-at-home dad (Wilson). They're surrounded by creeps and judgmental matrons and — here comes the movie's title — a paroled pedophile who can't seem to stay away from the neighborhood pool. But don't worry, all sins are judged in the movie's last act in the most annoying way possible.
What's the Deal? The suburbs, as anybody who's a fan of self-important movies like American Beauty will tell you, are hell on earth, full of hypocrites and dead souls and the place where the world's true evil comes to pass. Big-city filmmakers love this myth, because most of them grew up in the suburbs and then left them behind. Movies about the subject are like extended teenage rebellion.
What Doesn't Suck About It: There's something very cool about Winslet. It's like she realized early on how to be one of those direct, no-nonsense British actresses; she didn't let Titanic ruin her, and she went out of her way to choose parts that always make her look as though she was correct to take them, even if the movies themselves are lame.
Pedigree: It's from Tom Perrotta, the writer of Election, and writer-director Todd Field (In the Bedroom). So it's half black satirical comedy and half hand-wringing morality play.
That Darn Child Molester: If you're old enough to remember teen actor Jackie Earle Haley from the original Bad News Bears, that's him as the disturbed pedophile. He used to be kind of a surly teen heartthrob back in the day. Now he looks like a creepy pedophile.
The Last Kiss
OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: Zach Braff, Jacinda Barrett, Blythe Danner, Tom Wilkinson, Rachel Bilson
The Basics: Zach Braff has a lovely pregnant girlfriend in Jacinda Barrett. But then his late-20s crisis kicks in and turns him into a Rachel Bilson–humping sex zombie. Meanwhile, all his male friends his own age are having lady problems, too. Darn those ladies. Always making trouble for emotionally stunted guys. What have you women got to say for yourselves anyway, hmm?
What's the Deal? This is the best Edward Burns movie ever. And the best part about it is that he's not in it. It's got all the dude bonding you expect and all the character development of a silver-dollar pancake from IHOP. Oh, yeah, and a script from Paul Haggis, who loves to sit his characters down and give them deep philosophies to spout. You know this is the one he couldn't sell until Crash got all big and important. Did you know he used to be a writer on The Love Boat? It's true.
"We All Just Keep Crashing Into Each Other So We Can Feel Something": OK, that's a paraphrasing of something Don Cheadle was paid what I'm sure was relatively OK money to say in the dumbest movie ever to win Best Picture, Crash. Now, in this one, you get to listen to O.C. resident Rachel Bilson talk about how we're all moving so fast our hearts are racing and we forget to breathe. I sat in the theater and couldn't help but say out loud, "Shut up, Rachel Bilson." I know it's wrong to talk during movies, but it just came out. I'm sorry, and I'll never do it again.
What Could Have Improved It: If the whole thing had been about Blythe Danner — who plays Jacinda Barrett's mom — and her loveless marriage to Tom Wilkinson, it would have been pretty awesome. It's always Blythe Danner who steps in and makes mediocre stuff sit-throughable. Gwyneth Paltrow had better be giving that woman awesome Mother's Day gifts.
Where's Tony Jaa When You Need Him? I've developed a new rule for movies. It's called the Tony Jaa Rule. Catchy, right? Here's the rule: If you're a boring character, then Tony Jaa has to show up and kick you in the face, lay down that Ong Bak action on your head. Then you disappear from the movie and go to a hospital.
Who's in It: Zach Braff, Jacinda Barrett, Blythe Danner, Tom Wilkinson, Rachel Bilson
The Basics: Zach Braff has a lovely pregnant girlfriend in Jacinda Barrett. But then his late-20s crisis kicks in and turns him into a Rachel Bilson–humping sex zombie. Meanwhile, all his male friends his own age are having lady problems, too. Darn those ladies. Always making trouble for emotionally stunted guys. What have you women got to say for yourselves anyway, hmm?
What's the Deal? This is the best Edward Burns movie ever. And the best part about it is that he's not in it. It's got all the dude bonding you expect and all the character development of a silver-dollar pancake from IHOP. Oh, yeah, and a script from Paul Haggis, who loves to sit his characters down and give them deep philosophies to spout. You know this is the one he couldn't sell until Crash got all big and important. Did you know he used to be a writer on The Love Boat? It's true.
"We All Just Keep Crashing Into Each Other So We Can Feel Something": OK, that's a paraphrasing of something Don Cheadle was paid what I'm sure was relatively OK money to say in the dumbest movie ever to win Best Picture, Crash. Now, in this one, you get to listen to O.C. resident Rachel Bilson talk about how we're all moving so fast our hearts are racing and we forget to breathe. I sat in the theater and couldn't help but say out loud, "Shut up, Rachel Bilson." I know it's wrong to talk during movies, but it just came out. I'm sorry, and I'll never do it again.
What Could Have Improved It: If the whole thing had been about Blythe Danner — who plays Jacinda Barrett's mom — and her loveless marriage to Tom Wilkinson, it would have been pretty awesome. It's always Blythe Danner who steps in and makes mediocre stuff sit-throughable. Gwyneth Paltrow had better be giving that woman awesome Mother's Day gifts.
Where's Tony Jaa When You Need Him? I've developed a new rule for movies. It's called the Tony Jaa Rule. Catchy, right? Here's the rule: If you're a boring character, then Tony Jaa has to show up and kick you in the face, lay down that Ong Bak action on your head. Then you disappear from the movie and go to a hospital.
John Tucker Must Die
OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: Jesse Metcalfe, Brittany Snow, Ashanti, Sophia Bush, Arielle Kebbel, Jenny McCarthy
The Basics: Are you an 11-year-old girl? If you are, then this is going to be your favorite movie of the summer. And that's because you've probably not seen many other movies before. Briefly (but not briefly enough), it's about a rich-boy jock-god who cheats on three popular girls. This is a crime, and he must be punished. So they do. Sort of. Just enough to make you feel almost sorry for him.
What's the Deal? No one dies, that's the first deal. No one's allowed to die anymore (Heathers, the greatest teen movie of all time, became a real life Columbine). So there you go. Revenge-themed teen movies are doomed to suffer by comparison from now until the end of time. It wouldn't hurt so badly if this one weren't so dull. You end up wanting all of them to get hit by a school bus — the one that carries the truly unpopular nerds home at 3 p.m.
Does She Do Volunteer Work, Too? Apparently the main female character, a wallflower named Kate (Snow), is so interesting and rad that she listens to "old-school Elvis Costello, obscure podcasts and reads Dave Eggers." Oh really? Then why do we never see her doing these things until someone tells us she does them? Oh, right, because this movie doesn't care about its characters, that's why. In Pretty in Pink, you actually saw Molly Ringwald working at that hip record store.
Who's Good: Sophia Bush, as the vegan who does "it." And that's the film's one saving grace. The promiscuous one is the coolest one of the bunch. She doesn't have to be taught a moral lesson. Go, sluts!
Who's in It: Jesse Metcalfe, Brittany Snow, Ashanti, Sophia Bush, Arielle Kebbel, Jenny McCarthy
The Basics: Are you an 11-year-old girl? If you are, then this is going to be your favorite movie of the summer. And that's because you've probably not seen many other movies before. Briefly (but not briefly enough), it's about a rich-boy jock-god who cheats on three popular girls. This is a crime, and he must be punished. So they do. Sort of. Just enough to make you feel almost sorry for him.
What's the Deal? No one dies, that's the first deal. No one's allowed to die anymore (Heathers, the greatest teen movie of all time, became a real life Columbine). So there you go. Revenge-themed teen movies are doomed to suffer by comparison from now until the end of time. It wouldn't hurt so badly if this one weren't so dull. You end up wanting all of them to get hit by a school bus — the one that carries the truly unpopular nerds home at 3 p.m.
Does She Do Volunteer Work, Too? Apparently the main female character, a wallflower named Kate (Snow), is so interesting and rad that she listens to "old-school Elvis Costello, obscure podcasts and reads Dave Eggers." Oh really? Then why do we never see her doing these things until someone tells us she does them? Oh, right, because this movie doesn't care about its characters, that's why. In Pretty in Pink, you actually saw Molly Ringwald working at that hip record store.
Who's Good: Sophia Bush, as the vegan who does "it." And that's the film's one saving grace. The promiscuous one is the coolest one of the bunch. She doesn't have to be taught a moral lesson. Go, sluts!
Infamous(2006)
OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: Toby Jones, Daniel Craig, Sandra Bullock, Sigourney Weaver, Gwyneth Paltrow, Michael Panes, Hope Davis, Isabella Rossellini, John Benjamin Hickey, Lee Pace, Juliet Stevenson, Peter Bogdanovich, Jeff Daniels
The Basics: The other Truman Capote movie is finally here, made at the same time but kept on the shelf for a year to give audiences a chance to breathe between retellings. This one's lighter and funnier … until it's not. And then it's really not.
What's the Deal? The thing about Capote is that he told stories and embellished them. And then biographers emphasize different aspects of his personality. And then filmmakers pick what they want from the biographies. And then people get bent out of shape about it, now that we're all so concerned about "facts" post-James Frey. If you're like that, then get over it. The past can be kind of ambiguous, you know?
Which One's Better? Capote is more intimate, sad and dark. Like I said, this one's funnier and focuses a lot on the writer's New York life with his gaggle of society ladies. And British actor Toby Jones just flat-out looks more like Capote than Philip Seymour Hoffman. So, uh, the answer is this one's better.
Who's in It: Toby Jones, Daniel Craig, Sandra Bullock, Sigourney Weaver, Gwyneth Paltrow, Michael Panes, Hope Davis, Isabella Rossellini, John Benjamin Hickey, Lee Pace, Juliet Stevenson, Peter Bogdanovich, Jeff Daniels
The Basics: The other Truman Capote movie is finally here, made at the same time but kept on the shelf for a year to give audiences a chance to breathe between retellings. This one's lighter and funnier … until it's not. And then it's really not.
What's the Deal? The thing about Capote is that he told stories and embellished them. And then biographers emphasize different aspects of his personality. And then filmmakers pick what they want from the biographies. And then people get bent out of shape about it, now that we're all so concerned about "facts" post-James Frey. If you're like that, then get over it. The past can be kind of ambiguous, you know?
Which One's Better? Capote is more intimate, sad and dark. Like I said, this one's funnier and focuses a lot on the writer's New York life with his gaggle of society ladies. And British actor Toby Jones just flat-out looks more like Capote than Philip Seymour Hoffman. So, uh, the answer is this one's better.
Invincible (2006)
OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: Mark Wahlberg, Greg Kinnear, Elizabeth Banks
The Basics: I don't know anything about football, but apparently this is a true story of a bartender who tried out for the Philadelphia Eagles in the mid-1970s and made the team. All his friends were happy. He was too.
What's the Deal? I hate it when I have to rearrange my hateful, lifelong anti-sports bias for decent movies about sports like this one. I want to be consistent because outside of a movie theater where uplifting, inspirational, heart-tugging moments of personal triumph on the 10-yard-line are blown up in front of my face, I got zero time for it. But dang it if this isn't another streamlined underdog-makes-good sports movie from the Disney factory that brought you The Rookie and Glory Road and Miracle. I think I need tissue to dab my moist eyes.
Active Ingredients:
35% "You'll never amount to nothin'!"
20% "What are you gonna do with your life?"
20% "Wow, that dude's fast!"
15% "I'll love you whether you make the team or not."
7% "These Days" by Jackson Browne during soul-searching moment.
3% Real-life former sports professionals in cast, including someone who goes by the name of "Stink."
Who's in It: Mark Wahlberg, Greg Kinnear, Elizabeth Banks
The Basics: I don't know anything about football, but apparently this is a true story of a bartender who tried out for the Philadelphia Eagles in the mid-1970s and made the team. All his friends were happy. He was too.
What's the Deal? I hate it when I have to rearrange my hateful, lifelong anti-sports bias for decent movies about sports like this one. I want to be consistent because outside of a movie theater where uplifting, inspirational, heart-tugging moments of personal triumph on the 10-yard-line are blown up in front of my face, I got zero time for it. But dang it if this isn't another streamlined underdog-makes-good sports movie from the Disney factory that brought you The Rookie and Glory Road and Miracle. I think I need tissue to dab my moist eyes.
Active Ingredients:
35% "You'll never amount to nothin'!"
20% "What are you gonna do with your life?"
20% "Wow, that dude's fast!"
15% "I'll love you whether you make the team or not."
7% "These Days" by Jackson Browne during soul-searching moment.
3% Real-life former sports professionals in cast, including someone who goes by the name of "Stink."
Jackass: Number Two
OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: Johnny Knoxville, Bam Margera, Steve-O, Chris Pontius, Ryan Dunn, Preston Lacy, Dave England, Ehren McGhehey
The Basics: It's another helping of dangerous stunts and disgusting double-dog dares. They eat and drink things that will make you want to hide your eyes or barf into your popcorn bucket. It's like Snakes on a Plane in that way. You either really, really want to see it. Or you don't. And if you don't, then we're probably not friends.
What's the Deal? John Waters was right when he called these guys sexual anarchists. As their empire has grown from Big Brother Magazine to the TV show to these movies, these guys have redefined the idea of what a "dude" is to the point where you'd be OK to think that it includes rubbing up against your friends naked and wearing a beard made from the trimmings of their body hair. This is how progress happens in a civilized world.
My Favorite Parts: The butt-branding, the stair-sledding, the April Margera groping, the leeching and the bit with the horse that's just too gross to write about here. And the final bit, called "Terror Taxi," is almost too good to be true. I won't spoil it for you, but it involves the beard I mentioned earlier.
Celebrity Cameos: Waters shows up, as do Luke Wilson, Willie Garson (he's the guy who played Sarah Jessica Parker's gay friend on Sex and the City), Tony Hawk, Spike Jonze, Mark Zupan from Murderball (he gets a rocket-powered–wheelchair jump into a lake), Three 6 Mafia and Broken Lizard guy Jay Chandrasekhar.
Here's How You Get Someone to Sit Naked on a Block of Ice So That His Genitalia Gets Stuck to It: Say, "It's for the bros." It is apparently as easy as that.
Who's in It: Johnny Knoxville, Bam Margera, Steve-O, Chris Pontius, Ryan Dunn, Preston Lacy, Dave England, Ehren McGhehey
The Basics: It's another helping of dangerous stunts and disgusting double-dog dares. They eat and drink things that will make you want to hide your eyes or barf into your popcorn bucket. It's like Snakes on a Plane in that way. You either really, really want to see it. Or you don't. And if you don't, then we're probably not friends.
What's the Deal? John Waters was right when he called these guys sexual anarchists. As their empire has grown from Big Brother Magazine to the TV show to these movies, these guys have redefined the idea of what a "dude" is to the point where you'd be OK to think that it includes rubbing up against your friends naked and wearing a beard made from the trimmings of their body hair. This is how progress happens in a civilized world.
My Favorite Parts: The butt-branding, the stair-sledding, the April Margera groping, the leeching and the bit with the horse that's just too gross to write about here. And the final bit, called "Terror Taxi," is almost too good to be true. I won't spoil it for you, but it involves the beard I mentioned earlier.
Celebrity Cameos: Waters shows up, as do Luke Wilson, Willie Garson (he's the guy who played Sarah Jessica Parker's gay friend on Sex and the City), Tony Hawk, Spike Jonze, Mark Zupan from Murderball (he gets a rocket-powered–wheelchair jump into a lake), Three 6 Mafia and Broken Lizard guy Jay Chandrasekhar.
Here's How You Get Someone to Sit Naked on a Block of Ice So That His Genitalia Gets Stuck to It: Say, "It's for the bros." It is apparently as easy as that.
Jesus Camp(2006)
OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: Becky Fischer, Mike Papantonio
The Basics: Watch as little children are brainwashed at a far-right-wing Pentecostal Christian youth camp. It will overwhelm and disturb you. Unless you're a far-right-wing Pentecostal Christian. Then you'll jump up and down and cheer.
What's the Deal? This documentary was almost too freaky for me to watch from beginning to end. It's rough seeing children chanting, "Righteous judges!" at a preteen anti-abortion rally church service and speaking in tongues and crying tears of religious ecstasy and entering trancelike states. To a liberal secular humanist like myself, it feels like watching child abuse.
Who's in Charge: Interview subject Becky Fischer oversees the little ones. She's a children's pastor, and she leads the camp, which is designed to intensify the fervor of these mostly home-schooled kids. Mike Papantonio is shown on camera as the loyal opposition, a liberal Christian radio host who's appalled by Fischer's methods and political viewpoints.
Just What Are Fischer's Viewpoints? The usual Republican stuff, but colored by a theocratic wish for a future in which democracy is discarded in favor of a Christ-centered government, one in which conservative Christians will make the rules. Gee, I can't wait.
Liberal Bias: The film itself, though made by what I assume are two political and spiritual liberals (Heidi Ewing, Rachel Grady), is pretty even-handed. The score is a little on the doom and drone side, but that's about all you might object to. If you were to object. Reportedly, Fischer has seen the finished movie and is happy with it.
Who's in It: Becky Fischer, Mike Papantonio
The Basics: Watch as little children are brainwashed at a far-right-wing Pentecostal Christian youth camp. It will overwhelm and disturb you. Unless you're a far-right-wing Pentecostal Christian. Then you'll jump up and down and cheer.
What's the Deal? This documentary was almost too freaky for me to watch from beginning to end. It's rough seeing children chanting, "Righteous judges!" at a preteen anti-abortion rally church service and speaking in tongues and crying tears of religious ecstasy and entering trancelike states. To a liberal secular humanist like myself, it feels like watching child abuse.
Who's in Charge: Interview subject Becky Fischer oversees the little ones. She's a children's pastor, and she leads the camp, which is designed to intensify the fervor of these mostly home-schooled kids. Mike Papantonio is shown on camera as the loyal opposition, a liberal Christian radio host who's appalled by Fischer's methods and political viewpoints.
Just What Are Fischer's Viewpoints? The usual Republican stuff, but colored by a theocratic wish for a future in which democracy is discarded in favor of a Christ-centered government, one in which conservative Christians will make the rules. Gee, I can't wait.
Liberal Bias: The film itself, though made by what I assume are two political and spiritual liberals (Heidi Ewing, Rachel Grady), is pretty even-handed. The score is a little on the doom and drone side, but that's about all you might object to. If you were to object. Reportedly, Fischer has seen the finished movie and is happy with it.
Jet Li's Fearless(2006)
OUR REVIEW
by Dave White
Who's in It: Jet Li, Nakamura Shido, Li Sun, Dong Yong
The Basics: Li is Huo Yuanjia, who was a real guy but whose life has been fictionalized here for syrupy effect. He's a big-ego martial arts master who gets a tragic comeuppance, and then he goes to a metaphor farm where they teach him all about life and love and honor and discipline and blah, blah, blah. His new fighting technique? Pretty stoppable.
What's the Deal? Why does any filmmaker think for one second that I want to learn about the superior spiritual practices of agrarian life when I've clearly come to see Li battle the bad guys? All I want is to watch him teach archnemeses some life lessons about what the ceiling of the hospital looks like.
What Li Learns on the Farm: To slow down, to honor the wind, to plant the rice properly so it can grow, to truly "see" without his eyes (there's a beautiful blind girl on the farm specially trained in this sort of thing) and to take long, long naps like the one I took during that part of the movie.
Time to Apply My Newly Developed Tony Jaa Rule: Jaa (Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior, The Protector) should have showed up during the first moments of Li's downtime on the farm — a chunk of film that lasts a good 45 minutes — and begun kicking faces left and right to snap Li out of it and get him back to town and fighting again.
I'm the Reason This Is the Last Jet Li Martial Arts Film: He says this is the last one because audiences don't understand the spiritual side of it. And he's right. I could care less. I just want to see out-of-control, neck-breaking insanity. And I'm not sorry
by Dave White
Who's in It: Jet Li, Nakamura Shido, Li Sun, Dong Yong
The Basics: Li is Huo Yuanjia, who was a real guy but whose life has been fictionalized here for syrupy effect. He's a big-ego martial arts master who gets a tragic comeuppance, and then he goes to a metaphor farm where they teach him all about life and love and honor and discipline and blah, blah, blah. His new fighting technique? Pretty stoppable.
What's the Deal? Why does any filmmaker think for one second that I want to learn about the superior spiritual practices of agrarian life when I've clearly come to see Li battle the bad guys? All I want is to watch him teach archnemeses some life lessons about what the ceiling of the hospital looks like.
What Li Learns on the Farm: To slow down, to honor the wind, to plant the rice properly so it can grow, to truly "see" without his eyes (there's a beautiful blind girl on the farm specially trained in this sort of thing) and to take long, long naps like the one I took during that part of the movie.
Time to Apply My Newly Developed Tony Jaa Rule: Jaa (Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior, The Protector) should have showed up during the first moments of Li's downtime on the farm — a chunk of film that lasts a good 45 minutes — and begun kicking faces left and right to snap Li out of it and get him back to town and fighting again.
I'm the Reason This Is the Last Jet Li Martial Arts Film: He says this is the last one because audiences don't understand the spiritual side of it. And he's right. I could care less. I just want to see out-of-control, neck-breaking insanity. And I'm not sorry
The House of Sand(2006)
OUR REVIEW
by Dave White
Who's in It: Fernanda Montenegro, Fernanda Torres
The Basics: Three generations of women get stuck in the Brazilian desert. And by desert, I don't mean cute, hippie, New Mexico-ish desert with adorable prairie dogs and cacti. This place is worse than Tatooine.
What's the Deal? Let's say you grew up in a desolate, remote area and you dreamed of getting out; it took years, but you finally did it. Remember how frustrated you were, and you thought you'd lose your mind if you didn't get out? Well, multiply that by 60 years and that's how much mind-losing goes on in this film. It's the most gorgeous example of sun-baked misery you'll see at the movies this year. Maybe last year, too. OK, probably next year, too, now that I'm really thinking it through.
Great Moments: Early in the movie — during the part that's set in 1910 — it's really jarring to see the two leading women struggle to even move around in their Victorian outfits while the harsh desert swirls around them. And then later, in 1969, when the grandchild describes the moon landing to her uncomprehending mother, the sadness comes full circle.
by Dave White
Who's in It: Fernanda Montenegro, Fernanda Torres
The Basics: Three generations of women get stuck in the Brazilian desert. And by desert, I don't mean cute, hippie, New Mexico-ish desert with adorable prairie dogs and cacti. This place is worse than Tatooine.
What's the Deal? Let's say you grew up in a desolate, remote area and you dreamed of getting out; it took years, but you finally did it. Remember how frustrated you were, and you thought you'd lose your mind if you didn't get out? Well, multiply that by 60 years and that's how much mind-losing goes on in this film. It's the most gorgeous example of sun-baked misery you'll see at the movies this year. Maybe last year, too. OK, probably next year, too, now that I'm really thinking it through.
Great Moments: Early in the movie — during the part that's set in 1910 — it's really jarring to see the two leading women struggle to even move around in their Victorian outfits while the harsh desert swirls around them. And then later, in 1969, when the grandchild describes the moon landing to her uncomprehending mother, the sadness comes full circle.
How to Eat Fried Worms(2006)
OUR REVIEW
by Dave White
Who's in It: Luke Benward, Hallie Kate Eisenberg, Adam Hicks, Austin Rogers, Alexander Gould, Thomas Cavanagh, Kimberly Williams, Clint Howard
The Basics: This is Snakes on a Plane for kids, title-wise at least. It's about exactly what it says it's about. A new kid named Billy (Benward) has to eat 10 worms on a bet with the school bully. The entire movie is about the eating of worms, and it's possibly the coolest — also the grossest — kid movie of 2006 so far.
What's the Deal? It presents kids as real, basically goofy beings and not as miniature, sarcastic, attitude-poisoned adults. That's one thing in its favor. It's also smart, funny and full of queasy imagery kids will love and parents will turn their heads from. And finally, it teaches a lesson without it being condescending to its target audience. That last thing alone is almost like a miracle.
Who's Useless: All the grown-ups. Tom Cavanagh from Ed and Kimberly Williams are the parents who seem like afterthoughts. They could have stood to learn a lesson from Peanuts on that count.
Where You've Seen and/or Heard These Kids Before: The tall, bemused girl who gently guides Billy toward the proper way to handle his tormentors is Hallie Kate Eisenberg, the former Pepsi commercial kid, now entering her teenage years. And wild-haired "Twitch" is Alexander Gould, the voice of Nemo in Finding Nemo.
by Dave White
Who's in It: Luke Benward, Hallie Kate Eisenberg, Adam Hicks, Austin Rogers, Alexander Gould, Thomas Cavanagh, Kimberly Williams, Clint Howard
The Basics: This is Snakes on a Plane for kids, title-wise at least. It's about exactly what it says it's about. A new kid named Billy (Benward) has to eat 10 worms on a bet with the school bully. The entire movie is about the eating of worms, and it's possibly the coolest — also the grossest — kid movie of 2006 so far.
What's the Deal? It presents kids as real, basically goofy beings and not as miniature, sarcastic, attitude-poisoned adults. That's one thing in its favor. It's also smart, funny and full of queasy imagery kids will love and parents will turn their heads from. And finally, it teaches a lesson without it being condescending to its target audience. That last thing alone is almost like a miracle.
Who's Useless: All the grown-ups. Tom Cavanagh from Ed and Kimberly Williams are the parents who seem like afterthoughts. They could have stood to learn a lesson from Peanuts on that count.
Where You've Seen and/or Heard These Kids Before: The tall, bemused girl who gently guides Billy toward the proper way to handle his tormentors is Hallie Kate Eisenberg, the former Pepsi commercial kid, now entering her teenage years. And wild-haired "Twitch" is Alexander Gould, the voice of Nemo in Finding Nemo.
The Illusionist(2006)
OUR REVIEW
by Dave White
Who's in It: Edward Norton, Paul Giamatti, Rufus Sewell, Jessica Biel
The Basics: A magician in turn-of-the-20th-century Vienna, a guy who might actually be really magic, tries to win back the childhood love of his life. Meanwhile, a hammy prince is in the way and mysterious mysteries are afoot!
What's the Deal? Hey, all you absinthe-sipping Goths and fans of period pieces with big fancy hats? You guys have been unjustly ignored all summer while everyone else was salivating over snakes. Well, here's the movie for you. It's like a catalog of lush, velvet fainting couches you can go live in for a couple hours and pretend the world is more cruelly elegant a place than it is or ever really was.
What's for Lunch? That would be the script, if you're Sewell, who plays the prince of, I think, every country in Europe at once. Also? Cigarette holder waved around! That's how you know a prince means what he says.
But What Happens? Can't really tell you. It twists and turns and pretends to be a lot of things, including deep. But the less you know going in, the better.
What's Jessica Biel Doing in This? I know, right? It should be someone like, I don't know, any young British actress with at least one more of these kinds of movies under her corset. But crazily enough, she's pretty good, and so is the whole movie. You'll forget its weaknesses and give into its trance-inducting mood.
by Dave White
Who's in It: Edward Norton, Paul Giamatti, Rufus Sewell, Jessica Biel
The Basics: A magician in turn-of-the-20th-century Vienna, a guy who might actually be really magic, tries to win back the childhood love of his life. Meanwhile, a hammy prince is in the way and mysterious mysteries are afoot!
What's the Deal? Hey, all you absinthe-sipping Goths and fans of period pieces with big fancy hats? You guys have been unjustly ignored all summer while everyone else was salivating over snakes. Well, here's the movie for you. It's like a catalog of lush, velvet fainting couches you can go live in for a couple hours and pretend the world is more cruelly elegant a place than it is or ever really was.
What's for Lunch? That would be the script, if you're Sewell, who plays the prince of, I think, every country in Europe at once. Also? Cigarette holder waved around! That's how you know a prince means what he says.
But What Happens? Can't really tell you. It twists and turns and pretends to be a lot of things, including deep. But the less you know going in, the better.
What's Jessica Biel Doing in This? I know, right? It should be someone like, I don't know, any young British actress with at least one more of these kinds of movies under her corset. But crazily enough, she's pretty good, and so is the whole movie. You'll forget its weaknesses and give into its trance-inducting mood.
An Inconvenient Truth(2006)
OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: Al Gore
The Basics: School's out, but not for Al Gore. He's got a lecture for you about the creeping disasters waiting for us all if the issue of global warming isn't addressed now.
What's the Deal? OK, here's my beef with Al Gore, and then I'll talk about the film's message: He's a hypocrite. During the Clinton administration, the causes of global warming were chugging right along with help from the government. Global warming didn't stop when the first Bush left the White House and start up again when the second Bush stole the place back for the Republicans. Gore himself gave the Tellico Dam project a waiver from the Endangered Species Act. George W. Bush might be a nightmare for the EPA, but the Democrats weren't their wet dream by a long shot.
How Much Gore You Have to Ignore to Get to the Facts: A lot. You also have to deal with political-ad–ready forays into his humane motives for making this movie. His family tragedies are sad, yes, but they have little to do with global warming.
Saddest Part of the Movie: Watching a CGI polar bear drown as his ice floe melts.
Know Nothing? If you don't think you even know what global warming is or why it might be bad, you should see this documentary. Because in spite of its host's spotty record on the subject, the planet is still in terrifying shape, and the current reign of Republican oil-company greed is hurtling us toward a blackened future.
Who's in It: Al Gore
The Basics: School's out, but not for Al Gore. He's got a lecture for you about the creeping disasters waiting for us all if the issue of global warming isn't addressed now.
What's the Deal? OK, here's my beef with Al Gore, and then I'll talk about the film's message: He's a hypocrite. During the Clinton administration, the causes of global warming were chugging right along with help from the government. Global warming didn't stop when the first Bush left the White House and start up again when the second Bush stole the place back for the Republicans. Gore himself gave the Tellico Dam project a waiver from the Endangered Species Act. George W. Bush might be a nightmare for the EPA, but the Democrats weren't their wet dream by a long shot.
How Much Gore You Have to Ignore to Get to the Facts: A lot. You also have to deal with political-ad–ready forays into his humane motives for making this movie. His family tragedies are sad, yes, but they have little to do with global warming.
Saddest Part of the Movie: Watching a CGI polar bear drown as his ice floe melts.
Know Nothing? If you don't think you even know what global warming is or why it might be bad, you should see this documentary. Because in spite of its host's spotty record on the subject, the planet is still in terrifying shape, and the current reign of Republican oil-company greed is hurtling us toward a blackened future.
Haven(2006)
OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: Bill Paxton, Orlando Bloom, Zoe Saldana, Anthony Mackie, Agnes Bruckner, Stephen Dillane
The Basics: It's just what you were waiting for — a Crash-meets-Traffic crime-romance drama about intersecting lives and bummer-y hopelessness, as directed by someone really into Quentin Tarantino. Bloom is a humble fisherman who falls for Saldana. Her brother (Mackie) doesn't like this and throws some acid in Bloom's face. How does this connect to Paxton's bad-guy millionaire character? Barely. That's the random-intersection part.
What's the Deal? Dumb is not always a bad quality in a movie. But when the Dumb is not fun and you're forced to make your own, it's best if you're in the right place and the right time. Here's what I mean: If I had been able to watch this on DVD (which it should have gone straight to) with a group of friends who were in a mocking mood, I would have dug it more. Because with Dumb, there's no such thing as bad or good, really — just interesting and boring. And this one's boring.
Who's in It: Bill Paxton, Orlando Bloom, Zoe Saldana, Anthony Mackie, Agnes Bruckner, Stephen Dillane
The Basics: It's just what you were waiting for — a Crash-meets-Traffic crime-romance drama about intersecting lives and bummer-y hopelessness, as directed by someone really into Quentin Tarantino. Bloom is a humble fisherman who falls for Saldana. Her brother (Mackie) doesn't like this and throws some acid in Bloom's face. How does this connect to Paxton's bad-guy millionaire character? Barely. That's the random-intersection part.
What's the Deal? Dumb is not always a bad quality in a movie. But when the Dumb is not fun and you're forced to make your own, it's best if you're in the right place and the right time. Here's what I mean: If I had been able to watch this on DVD (which it should have gone straight to) with a group of friends who were in a mocking mood, I would have dug it more. Because with Dumb, there's no such thing as bad or good, really — just interesting and boring. And this one's boring.
Hollywoodland (20060
OUR REVIEW
by Dave White
Who's in It: Adrien Brody, Ben Affleck, Diane Lane, Bob Hoskins
The Basics: Did George Reeves, TV's Superman, really kill himself back in 1959? Or was he murdered? It's low-rent detective Brody's job to find out in this, the first of the gimme-an-Oscar movies of the fall. It's the first weekend after Labor Day and that means the onslaught of Importance can begin. Hollywoodland is very good and at times even moving, but you can smell the Seriousity wafting off it in waves.
What's the Deal? I think Reeves killed himself. Yeah, he might have been banging the studio boss's wife and that could have gotten him whacked. But he was Superman, right? Imagine all the dress-up games they must have played. And because he was Superman and so beloved as that Man of Steel, you just know they treated him like a joke in casting offices all over Hollywood afterward. Like Howie Mandel before Deal or No Deal.
What It Says About Hollywood: That it's an ugly place full of evil people who'll ruin you if you get in their way, a place where values are bought and human life is inconsequential. The moral? Stay in your small town and be happy with your simple little life. This place is for soul-dead monsters. And it's one of my favorite funny lies about my adopted hometown, one that's really based on the idea that the pie is only so big and that there's not enough for you. This movie gets that point across loudly and clearly, even if it's pretty much fiction.
by Dave White
Who's in It: Adrien Brody, Ben Affleck, Diane Lane, Bob Hoskins
The Basics: Did George Reeves, TV's Superman, really kill himself back in 1959? Or was he murdered? It's low-rent detective Brody's job to find out in this, the first of the gimme-an-Oscar movies of the fall. It's the first weekend after Labor Day and that means the onslaught of Importance can begin. Hollywoodland is very good and at times even moving, but you can smell the Seriousity wafting off it in waves.
What's the Deal? I think Reeves killed himself. Yeah, he might have been banging the studio boss's wife and that could have gotten him whacked. But he was Superman, right? Imagine all the dress-up games they must have played. And because he was Superman and so beloved as that Man of Steel, you just know they treated him like a joke in casting offices all over Hollywood afterward. Like Howie Mandel before Deal or No Deal.
What It Says About Hollywood: That it's an ugly place full of evil people who'll ruin you if you get in their way, a place where values are bought and human life is inconsequential. The moral? Stay in your small town and be happy with your simple little life. This place is for soul-dead monsters. And it's one of my favorite funny lies about my adopted hometown, one that's really based on the idea that the pie is only so big and that there's not enough for you. This movie gets that point across loudly and clearly, even if it's pretty much fiction.
Flyboys(2006)
OUR REVIEW
by Dave White
Who's in It: James Franco, Jean Reno, Martin Henderson, Philip Winchester, David Ellison, Jennifer Decker
The Basics: American volunteer service members during World War I become "a new kind of hero" by learning to operate those newfangled flying machines. Some die, because in a movie like this, that's actually the most heroic thing you can do. And the star (Franco) gets to fall in love with a beautiful French girl who learns to speak English overnight for him.
What's the Deal? I didn't know they made rah-rah-for-war movies anymore. But I was wrong. I wonder who likes them when they're this hokey and lacking in drama or tension. Maybe the rah-rah-for-war people will dig it anyway. I guess the plane fighting scenes are OK. All digital-looking, though.
My Favorite Things About This Movie:
1. Jean Reno's sneer. He's here to get paid and doesn't want any trouble.
2. James Franco's physical inability to avoid the pouty-face.
3. The way that Franco's character manages to fall in love with the one girl in the French whorehouse who isn't a prostitute. She was just there to deliver the brie. I'm not making that up, either. That's in the movie. She was delivering the brie. Because it's France
by Dave White
Who's in It: James Franco, Jean Reno, Martin Henderson, Philip Winchester, David Ellison, Jennifer Decker
The Basics: American volunteer service members during World War I become "a new kind of hero" by learning to operate those newfangled flying machines. Some die, because in a movie like this, that's actually the most heroic thing you can do. And the star (Franco) gets to fall in love with a beautiful French girl who learns to speak English overnight for him.
What's the Deal? I didn't know they made rah-rah-for-war movies anymore. But I was wrong. I wonder who likes them when they're this hokey and lacking in drama or tension. Maybe the rah-rah-for-war people will dig it anyway. I guess the plane fighting scenes are OK. All digital-looking, though.
My Favorite Things About This Movie:
1. Jean Reno's sneer. He's here to get paid and doesn't want any trouble.
2. James Franco's physical inability to avoid the pouty-face.
3. The way that Franco's character manages to fall in love with the one girl in the French whorehouse who isn't a prostitute. She was just there to deliver the brie. I'm not making that up, either. That's in the movie. She was delivering the brie. Because it's France
Crossover(2006)
OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: Anthony Mackie, Wesley Jonathan, Wayne Brady, Kristen Wilson, Little JJ, Eva Pigford
The Basics: You know what movie you're getting just in the opening moments. Chicks in bikinis lounge on motorcycles under a basketball rim, and guys leap over them to stuff the basket. No explanations given or expected. Don't all chicks in bikinis lie around on motorcycle seats on basketball courts waiting for some baller to make them an NBA wife?
What's the Deal? Sorry, I forgot to tell you what it was about in that last bit. This guy from Detroit (Mackie) plays "underground" basketball games that people bet on. His buddy (Jonathan) wants to go to medical school. They get mixed up with the wrong people, like that gangsta Wayne Brady, and bad stuff happens. You don't get tangled up with Wayne Brady and come out on the other side without bruises and wisdom. That cat'll lay down the hurt.
Why, Even Though This Is One of the Very Worst Movies of 2006, You Might Consider Going Anyway:
1. Wayne Brady as the bad guy. I know I just said that, but seriously, WAYNE BRADY AS THE BAD GUY.
2. Awkward, inept direction where long takes of main characters' legs walking through a hotel are supposed to mean … um, I don't know.
3. Thirty-five cents worth of production values that include the two main guys working at the Sad Shopping Mall in the Even Sadder Shoe Store where they have, like, seven pairs of shoes on the wall. Also a score sounding like it was done on a Casio.
4. Characters going out to Los Angeles to attend "California University Los Angeles" and reading "The Los Angeles Tribune."
5. Dialogue like "Go pinch dat loaf, dawg" and "She's from the D! She was born with larceny in her heart!" and "I came to break him and he gonna be broke!" and "She got you open like the freeway at 4 a.m. in the morning." And that's just four of many.
6. Eva from America's Next Top Model! Eva!
Who's in It: Anthony Mackie, Wesley Jonathan, Wayne Brady, Kristen Wilson, Little JJ, Eva Pigford
The Basics: You know what movie you're getting just in the opening moments. Chicks in bikinis lounge on motorcycles under a basketball rim, and guys leap over them to stuff the basket. No explanations given or expected. Don't all chicks in bikinis lie around on motorcycle seats on basketball courts waiting for some baller to make them an NBA wife?
What's the Deal? Sorry, I forgot to tell you what it was about in that last bit. This guy from Detroit (Mackie) plays "underground" basketball games that people bet on. His buddy (Jonathan) wants to go to medical school. They get mixed up with the wrong people, like that gangsta Wayne Brady, and bad stuff happens. You don't get tangled up with Wayne Brady and come out on the other side without bruises and wisdom. That cat'll lay down the hurt.
Why, Even Though This Is One of the Very Worst Movies of 2006, You Might Consider Going Anyway:
1. Wayne Brady as the bad guy. I know I just said that, but seriously, WAYNE BRADY AS THE BAD GUY.
2. Awkward, inept direction where long takes of main characters' legs walking through a hotel are supposed to mean … um, I don't know.
3. Thirty-five cents worth of production values that include the two main guys working at the Sad Shopping Mall in the Even Sadder Shoe Store where they have, like, seven pairs of shoes on the wall. Also a score sounding like it was done on a Casio.
4. Characters going out to Los Angeles to attend "California University Los Angeles" and reading "The Los Angeles Tribune."
5. Dialogue like "Go pinch dat loaf, dawg" and "She's from the D! She was born with larceny in her heart!" and "I came to break him and he gonna be broke!" and "She got you open like the freeway at 4 a.m. in the morning." And that's just four of many.
6. Eva from America's Next Top Model! Eva!
The Covenent (2006)
OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: Steven Strait, Sebastian Stan, Jessica Lucas, Laura Ramsey
The Basics: They're hot, they're rich, they're warlocks, they're overdosing on hair product and they're as bland and dull as an entire season of 7th Heaven. I think that's supposed to be against Witch Law, isn't it?
What's the Deal? There's a mystery involved here somewhere, and our teen models have to unravel the clues or it could ruin … I don't know … their next trip to the Hollister store, I guess. Meanwhile, the young women lounge around in their underwear a lot trying to figure out the boys. Then there are some secret coven meetings with lots of candles and just the right amount of WB Supernatural moodiness. And that's it until the end.
That Ending: Is when all the action happens. But it's not much. In fact, if you haven't already left in the middle, bored out of your mind, and wandered into Beerfest, then you're going to feel even more ripped off.
Who's in It: Steven Strait, Sebastian Stan, Jessica Lucas, Laura Ramsey
The Basics: They're hot, they're rich, they're warlocks, they're overdosing on hair product and they're as bland and dull as an entire season of 7th Heaven. I think that's supposed to be against Witch Law, isn't it?
What's the Deal? There's a mystery involved here somewhere, and our teen models have to unravel the clues or it could ruin … I don't know … their next trip to the Hollister store, I guess. Meanwhile, the young women lounge around in their underwear a lot trying to figure out the boys. Then there are some secret coven meetings with lots of candles and just the right amount of WB Supernatural moodiness. And that's it until the end.
That Ending: Is when all the action happens. But it's not much. In fact, if you haven't already left in the middle, bored out of your mind, and wandered into Beerfest, then you're going to feel even more ripped off.
Flags of our Fathers(2006)
OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: Ryan Phillippe, Jesse Bradford, Adam Beach, John Benjamin Hickey, Barry Pepper, Jamie Bell
The Basics: Trailers lie. You'd think, from watching the teasers to this one, that it's one of those "greatest generation" movies about World War II and how brave everyone was back then. But it's really about how war is marketed and sold to people back home. In this case, it's about how that iconic photograph of the men planting that flag at Iwo Jima became a selling point.
What's the Deal? Want to get your point across? Don't make your war commentary about Iraq. Go after the "good war" instead. It turns out that that global battle needed some PR help, too.
What's Good About It: You have to admire it for taking a risk with such a sentimental subject. World War II is like ancient and fuzzy history to a lot of people, and it's gotten this warm, golden, buttery shine to it, a shine like the one that launched the careers of hundreds of awful modern swing bands. To come out and remind people that it was as devastating a conflict as anything that came afterward and was morally complicated in spite of its clear enemy is like kicking a puppy.
What's Not: The script, by Crash guy Paul Haggis and William Broyles Jr., takes out a big black Sharpie and underlines the main themes and ironies again and again until you want to yell, "Yes! OK! I get it! War has to be sold to people until they like it! And racism is still bad!"
Who's in It: Ryan Phillippe, Jesse Bradford, Adam Beach, John Benjamin Hickey, Barry Pepper, Jamie Bell
The Basics: Trailers lie. You'd think, from watching the teasers to this one, that it's one of those "greatest generation" movies about World War II and how brave everyone was back then. But it's really about how war is marketed and sold to people back home. In this case, it's about how that iconic photograph of the men planting that flag at Iwo Jima became a selling point.
What's the Deal? Want to get your point across? Don't make your war commentary about Iraq. Go after the "good war" instead. It turns out that that global battle needed some PR help, too.
What's Good About It: You have to admire it for taking a risk with such a sentimental subject. World War II is like ancient and fuzzy history to a lot of people, and it's gotten this warm, golden, buttery shine to it, a shine like the one that launched the careers of hundreds of awful modern swing bands. To come out and remind people that it was as devastating a conflict as anything that came afterward and was morally complicated in spite of its clear enemy is like kicking a puppy.
What's Not: The script, by Crash guy Paul Haggis and William Broyles Jr., takes out a big black Sharpie and underlines the main themes and ironies again and again until you want to yell, "Yes! OK! I get it! War has to be sold to people until they like it! And racism is still bad!"
Factotum (2006)
OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: Matt Dillon, Lili Taylor, Marisa Tomei, Fisher Stevens, Karen Young
The Basics: Drink, smoke, get fired, drink, smoke, get fired, scribble stuff in a notebook and think about what an awesome writer you are, drink, smoke, get fired, drink, fight your co-worker, get fired, dump one woman after the other, drink, gamble, drink, gamble, drink, gamble, drink, sleep on the sidewalk. The end.
What's the Deal? Charles Bukowski (the real guy) was a great writer. And yeah, he was also a drunk. But what I get from watching Dillon pretend to be him is a lot of nothing. Drunk people are only fascinating to themselves and other drunk people. I'd rather watch Mel Gibson on a very special episode of Cops.
What's a Factotum? It's a person who does many jobs. I guess they don't have a word for a person who gets canned from many jobs in a row
Who's in It: Matt Dillon, Lili Taylor, Marisa Tomei, Fisher Stevens, Karen Young
The Basics: Drink, smoke, get fired, drink, smoke, get fired, scribble stuff in a notebook and think about what an awesome writer you are, drink, smoke, get fired, drink, fight your co-worker, get fired, dump one woman after the other, drink, gamble, drink, gamble, drink, gamble, drink, sleep on the sidewalk. The end.
What's the Deal? Charles Bukowski (the real guy) was a great writer. And yeah, he was also a drunk. But what I get from watching Dillon pretend to be him is a lot of nothing. Drunk people are only fascinating to themselves and other drunk people. I'd rather watch Mel Gibson on a very special episode of Cops.
What's a Factotum? It's a person who does many jobs. I guess they don't have a word for a person who gets canned from many jobs in a row
Driving Lessons(2006)
OUR REVIEW
by Dave White
Who's in It: Julie Walters, Rupert Grint, Laura Linney
The Basics: It's Harold and Maude, minus all that icky sex. The teenage boy befriends the old lady, they rely on each other, she helps him become a man, he stands up to his oppressive mother, he breaks free, the end. Whatever.
What's the Deal? So you're one of the three most successful child stars of the past 10 years. You're Harry Potter's Ron Weasley, and you're getting kind of tired of it. So your agent says, "Hey, kid, here's a script where you get to swear and have sex. And not with Julie Walters!" That's how this movie ended up happening
by Dave White
Who's in It: Julie Walters, Rupert Grint, Laura Linney
The Basics: It's Harold and Maude, minus all that icky sex. The teenage boy befriends the old lady, they rely on each other, she helps him become a man, he stands up to his oppressive mother, he breaks free, the end. Whatever.
What's the Deal? So you're one of the three most successful child stars of the past 10 years. You're Harry Potter's Ron Weasley, and you're getting kind of tired of it. So your agent says, "Hey, kid, here's a script where you get to swear and have sex. And not with Julie Walters!" That's how this movie ended up happening
Crank (2006)
OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: Jason Statham, Amy Smart, Efren Ramirez, Dwight Yoakam
The Basics: A hit man gets himself injected with what everyone in the movie calls "the Chinese s--t," and he's got to keep his adrenaline up or he dies — which he figures he'll do anyway. So he goes and gets some cocaine and Red Bull and public sex with his girlfriend to help him stay awake long enough to exact revenge on the gangsters who did it to him.
What's the Deal? I can honestly say I've never seen a movie in which a guy wearing a butt-baring hospital gown steals a police motorcycle and rides it through Beverly Hills standing up on the seat with a full erection tenting his flimsy little dress. Well, I could say that until just now, I mean. Because from here on, if I see it again in any other movie, I'll just yawn and go, "Yeah what else you got?"
Who's in It: Jason Statham, Amy Smart, Efren Ramirez, Dwight Yoakam
The Basics: A hit man gets himself injected with what everyone in the movie calls "the Chinese s--t," and he's got to keep his adrenaline up or he dies — which he figures he'll do anyway. So he goes and gets some cocaine and Red Bull and public sex with his girlfriend to help him stay awake long enough to exact revenge on the gangsters who did it to him.
What's the Deal? I can honestly say I've never seen a movie in which a guy wearing a butt-baring hospital gown steals a police motorcycle and rides it through Beverly Hills standing up on the seat with a full erection tenting his flimsy little dress. Well, I could say that until just now, I mean. Because from here on, if I see it again in any other movie, I'll just yawn and go, "Yeah what else you got?"
Everyone's Hero
OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: The voices of Jake T. Austin, Rob Reiner, Whoopi Goldberg, Brian Dennehy, William H. Macy, Mandy Patinkin, Forest Whitaker
The Basics: A talking baseball (which is given all the "oy vey" you'd ever need for the rest of your natural life by Rob Reiner) and a sassy talking bat (substitute some "whatchoo talkin' bout Willis" attitude from Whoopi Goldberg) are taken on a very long walking trip to go help Babe Ruth and the Yankees win the World Series. Yes, you read that right. I don't just sit around making up this stuff.
What's the Deal? I'm trying to figure out why this talking bat and ball, both with real human feelings and emotions, are so keen to get smashed in their faces during a baseball game. I saw this movie three weeks ago, and I'm still trying to figure out that part.
Who's in It: The voices of Jake T. Austin, Rob Reiner, Whoopi Goldberg, Brian Dennehy, William H. Macy, Mandy Patinkin, Forest Whitaker
The Basics: A talking baseball (which is given all the "oy vey" you'd ever need for the rest of your natural life by Rob Reiner) and a sassy talking bat (substitute some "whatchoo talkin' bout Willis" attitude from Whoopi Goldberg) are taken on a very long walking trip to go help Babe Ruth and the Yankees win the World Series. Yes, you read that right. I don't just sit around making up this stuff.
What's the Deal? I'm trying to figure out why this talking bat and ball, both with real human feelings and emotions, are so keen to get smashed in their faces during a baseball game. I saw this movie three weeks ago, and I'm still trying to figure out that part.
Confetti (2006)
OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: Martin Freeman, Jessica Stevenson, Stephen Mangan, Meredith MacNeill, Robert Webb, Olivia Colman
The Basics: It's a fake documentary, like Waiting for Guffman, only set in England, and it's about three couples competing to see who can throw the most original wedding. One couple wants to sing and dance the whole thing, another goes for a tennis theme, a third wants to be naked. And you know how boring actual weddings are? Well, guess what? Most movies about them are, too.
What's the Deal? Improvised mockumentaries … suddenly there are entire sections devoted to them in video stores. Why is this? Who decided improv was so special? Almost all of them suck except for Christopher Guest's movies, and even he's not always reliable. Gimme one of those yuppified Richard Curtis movies like Love Actually or Four Weddings and a Funeral any day. At least someone took the time to write scripts for those.
Who's in It: Martin Freeman, Jessica Stevenson, Stephen Mangan, Meredith MacNeill, Robert Webb, Olivia Colman
The Basics: It's a fake documentary, like Waiting for Guffman, only set in England, and it's about three couples competing to see who can throw the most original wedding. One couple wants to sing and dance the whole thing, another goes for a tennis theme, a third wants to be naked. And you know how boring actual weddings are? Well, guess what? Most movies about them are, too.
What's the Deal? Improvised mockumentaries … suddenly there are entire sections devoted to them in video stores. Why is this? Who decided improv was so special? Almost all of them suck except for Christopher Guest's movies, and even he's not always reliable. Gimme one of those yuppified Richard Curtis movies like Love Actually or Four Weddings and a Funeral any day. At least someone took the time to write scripts for those.
Aurora Borealis(2006)
OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: Joshua Jackson, Juliette Lewis, Louise Fletcher, Donald Sutherland
The Basics: Joshua Jackson is a go-nowhere kind of guy who meets a go-everywhere Juliette Lewis. He likes her a lot but doesn't want to leave his hometown of Minneapolis because his elderly grandparents, Louise Fletcher and Donald Sutherland, need his help. That's about it. It's kind of like a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie, but with lots of swearing and some sex.
What's the Deal? This is the kind of indie film that you want to hate because you know exactly how it's going to wind up. But then they get a decent producer, who knows where to pull money, and they sign some actors with talent and names, and everything gets lifted up to a level you're not expecting.
The Best Scientologist Ever: That would be Juliette Lewis. I'll keep saying it until she gets a plaque with her name on it at the Celebrity Center. She's really funny here, and I kept watching, because I wanted to see what she'd do next.
Who's in It: Joshua Jackson, Juliette Lewis, Louise Fletcher, Donald Sutherland
The Basics: Joshua Jackson is a go-nowhere kind of guy who meets a go-everywhere Juliette Lewis. He likes her a lot but doesn't want to leave his hometown of Minneapolis because his elderly grandparents, Louise Fletcher and Donald Sutherland, need his help. That's about it. It's kind of like a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie, but with lots of swearing and some sex.
What's the Deal? This is the kind of indie film that you want to hate because you know exactly how it's going to wind up. But then they get a decent producer, who knows where to pull money, and they sign some actors with talent and names, and everything gets lifted up to a level you're not expecting.
The Best Scientologist Ever: That would be Juliette Lewis. I'll keep saying it until she gets a plaque with her name on it at the Celebrity Center. She's really funny here, and I kept watching, because I wanted to see what she'd do next.
Beerfest (2006)
OUR REVIEW
by Dave White
Who's in It: Jay Chandrasekhar, Kevin Heffernan, Steve Lemme, Paula Soter, Erick Stolhanske, Jurgen Prochnow, Donald Sutherland, Mo'Nique
The Basics: Some guys — mostly loser guys (well, one's a scientist and one's a male prostitute; both good jobs to have, but the rest are basically losers) — train for and enter a secret German beer-chugging contest.
What's the Deal? These are the Broken Lizard guys, and they've got Super Troopers to live up to. And you're thinking, "What's Super Troopers?" Well I'm here to tell you that it's one of the greatest comedies of this half-over decade and if you missed, it then enough funny hasn't happened to you in the past six years. This one's funny, too, but it's no Super Troopers.
What You Get: The legendary Cloris Leachman fondling a sausage; one guy turning a frog on; multiple gratuitous breasts (in fact, you get a chain reaction scene of disrobing women for no good reason); a weird doll that tweaks nipples; mockery of Germans and their funny language; Mo'Nique dressed as the St. Pauli Girl; casual homoeroticism. So, you know, it's pretty awesome.
by Dave White
Who's in It: Jay Chandrasekhar, Kevin Heffernan, Steve Lemme, Paula Soter, Erick Stolhanske, Jurgen Prochnow, Donald Sutherland, Mo'Nique
The Basics: Some guys — mostly loser guys (well, one's a scientist and one's a male prostitute; both good jobs to have, but the rest are basically losers) — train for and enter a secret German beer-chugging contest.
What's the Deal? These are the Broken Lizard guys, and they've got Super Troopers to live up to. And you're thinking, "What's Super Troopers?" Well I'm here to tell you that it's one of the greatest comedies of this half-over decade and if you missed, it then enough funny hasn't happened to you in the past six years. This one's funny, too, but it's no Super Troopers.
What You Get: The legendary Cloris Leachman fondling a sausage; one guy turning a frog on; multiple gratuitous breasts (in fact, you get a chain reaction scene of disrobing women for no good reason); a weird doll that tweaks nipples; mockery of Germans and their funny language; Mo'Nique dressed as the St. Pauli Girl; casual homoeroticism. So, you know, it's pretty awesome.
Catch a Fire(2006)
OUR REVIEW
by Dave White
Who's in It: Derek Luke, Tim Robbins, Bonnie Mbuli
The Basics: It's the true story of South African Patrick Chamusso (Luke) and how, in 1980, while apartheid was still happening, he was wrongly accused of committing a terrorist act. Then he was imprisoned and tortured for almost a year. And then — big surprise — he got out and joined the African National Congress and became radicalized.
What's the Deal? Seriously, the first half of this movie is like listening to Peter Gabriel's "Biko" over and over, and you wonder if it's just going to be a heavy-handed history lesson. But then the anger kicks in, and it gets complicated, asking moral questions of both the oppressors and the oppressed. You're not going to leave the theater happy to be alive, but you won't be insulted either.
by Dave White
Who's in It: Derek Luke, Tim Robbins, Bonnie Mbuli
The Basics: It's the true story of South African Patrick Chamusso (Luke) and how, in 1980, while apartheid was still happening, he was wrongly accused of committing a terrorist act. Then he was imprisoned and tortured for almost a year. And then — big surprise — he got out and joined the African National Congress and became radicalized.
What's the Deal? Seriously, the first half of this movie is like listening to Peter Gabriel's "Biko" over and over, and you wonder if it's just going to be a heavy-handed history lesson. But then the anger kicks in, and it gets complicated, asking moral questions of both the oppressors and the oppressed. You're not going to leave the theater happy to be alive, but you won't be insulted either.
Click (2006)
OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: Adam Sandler, Kate Beckinsale, Christopher Walken, Jennifer Coolidge, David Hasselhoff, Henry Winkler, Julie Kavner
The Basics: Sandler, an emasculated architect, finds a magical universal remote that helps him control not just his TV but everyone and everything around him. But his always-in-hand, Viagra-blue, phallic clicker (a substitute for values and a spine) ruins his whole life. By comparison, you can feel lucky that this monumentally stupid movie only ruined two hours of yours.
What's the Deal? Before anybody gets all, "You movie critics hate everything! Especially Adam Sandler! You're just old!" on me, know that I'm not a Sandler hater 24/7. I laughed at Little Nicky, believe it or not. But seriously, this is a movie that has the nerve to show Sandler farting in Hasselhoff's face for about 10 solid seconds; then, an hour later, it turns around and tries to wrench an emotional meaning-of-life ending out of itself.
File Under: Hollywood Phonies Like 2001's The Family Man, this is a movie about how you shouldn't chase after material success because it will cost you your soul (Sandler's remote fast-forwards through the little life moments to get to the business promotions). Then the filmmakers pull the funniest trick of all. They get you to pay them for the opportunity to sit at the feet of Hollywood wisdom. You go home to your downwardly mobile existence and they order another bottle of Cristal. It's a wonderful life!
You Can Do Anything With Computers Now: Best scene of the movie has to be when they flash back to young Julie Kavner and Henry Winkler raising Sandler. It appears that they've digitally undone the normal aging process and erased lines and wrinkles from the actors' faces to make them look younger. Instead, the actors appear to be wearing Julie Kavner and Henry Winkler masks. It's the freakiest film moment of 2006. Almost worth a ticket just to witness it.
Who's in It: Adam Sandler, Kate Beckinsale, Christopher Walken, Jennifer Coolidge, David Hasselhoff, Henry Winkler, Julie Kavner
The Basics: Sandler, an emasculated architect, finds a magical universal remote that helps him control not just his TV but everyone and everything around him. But his always-in-hand, Viagra-blue, phallic clicker (a substitute for values and a spine) ruins his whole life. By comparison, you can feel lucky that this monumentally stupid movie only ruined two hours of yours.
What's the Deal? Before anybody gets all, "You movie critics hate everything! Especially Adam Sandler! You're just old!" on me, know that I'm not a Sandler hater 24/7. I laughed at Little Nicky, believe it or not. But seriously, this is a movie that has the nerve to show Sandler farting in Hasselhoff's face for about 10 solid seconds; then, an hour later, it turns around and tries to wrench an emotional meaning-of-life ending out of itself.
File Under: Hollywood Phonies Like 2001's The Family Man, this is a movie about how you shouldn't chase after material success because it will cost you your soul (Sandler's remote fast-forwards through the little life moments to get to the business promotions). Then the filmmakers pull the funniest trick of all. They get you to pay them for the opportunity to sit at the feet of Hollywood wisdom. You go home to your downwardly mobile existence and they order another bottle of Cristal. It's a wonderful life!
You Can Do Anything With Computers Now: Best scene of the movie has to be when they flash back to young Julie Kavner and Henry Winkler raising Sandler. It appears that they've digitally undone the normal aging process and erased lines and wrinkles from the actors' faces to make them look younger. Instead, the actors appear to be wearing Julie Kavner and Henry Winkler masks. It's the freakiest film moment of 2006. Almost worth a ticket just to witness it.
Cars (2006)
OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: The voices of Owen Wilson, Paul Newman, Bonnie Hunt, Larry the Cable Guy, Cheech Marin, Tony Shalhoub, George Carlin, Katherine Helmond, Michael Keaton
The Basics: Hotshot stock car Lightning McQueen (Wilson) gets stuck in a small desert town and has to learn the meaning of friendship and life and humility and blah, blah, (all that other stuff you have to learn the meaning of) blah. Success is nothing without someone you love to share it with. I think that's what Billy Dee Williams told Diana Ross in Mahogany, right? It's basically that movie but with animated automobiles.
What's the Deal? I know it's wrong to blaspheme the holy unassailable name of Pixar, but this one is both the best and the worst of the whole batch. It's technically superior to everything that's come before it. It looks incredible and the level of detail is eye-boggling. Meanwhile, it's the least meaningful and the least funny. But still, it's a Pixar movie, and that means it's miles ahead of the competition in spite of its flaws.
Who Steals It: I know it sounds like I'm the new president of the Larry the Cable Guy Fan Club, since I was the one film critic in America who actually had a good time watching Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, but dang it if he's not the funniest thing in this just good enough movie.
Who's in It: The voices of Owen Wilson, Paul Newman, Bonnie Hunt, Larry the Cable Guy, Cheech Marin, Tony Shalhoub, George Carlin, Katherine Helmond, Michael Keaton
The Basics: Hotshot stock car Lightning McQueen (Wilson) gets stuck in a small desert town and has to learn the meaning of friendship and life and humility and blah, blah, (all that other stuff you have to learn the meaning of) blah. Success is nothing without someone you love to share it with. I think that's what Billy Dee Williams told Diana Ross in Mahogany, right? It's basically that movie but with animated automobiles.
What's the Deal? I know it's wrong to blaspheme the holy unassailable name of Pixar, but this one is both the best and the worst of the whole batch. It's technically superior to everything that's come before it. It looks incredible and the level of detail is eye-boggling. Meanwhile, it's the least meaningful and the least funny. But still, it's a Pixar movie, and that means it's miles ahead of the competition in spite of its flaws.
Who Steals It: I know it sounds like I'm the new president of the Larry the Cable Guy Fan Club, since I was the one film critic in America who actually had a good time watching Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, but dang it if he's not the funniest thing in this just good enough movie.
Ant Bully (2006)
OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: The voices of Julia Roberts, Nicolas Cage, Meryl Streep, Paul Giamatti, Regina King, Lily Tomlin, Cheri Oteri
The Basics: A bullied kid becomes the bully himself, stomping on an ant colony. The wizard ant — there's always a wizard ant blowing your good time, you know? — shrinks the kid to ant size. Then the queen of the ants makes the kid live with them and learn their ways, cooperating and thinking like an ant. Then the kind has to save them all.
What's the Deal? You've mostly seen it before. It was called Antz. Then it was called A Bug's Life.
What It's Also About: How an evil violent capitalist learns the joys of communal living, conformity and socialism. Either that or a metaphor for George W. Bush being put on trial for war crimes against Iraq.
Who's in It: The voices of Julia Roberts, Nicolas Cage, Meryl Streep, Paul Giamatti, Regina King, Lily Tomlin, Cheri Oteri
The Basics: A bullied kid becomes the bully himself, stomping on an ant colony. The wizard ant — there's always a wizard ant blowing your good time, you know? — shrinks the kid to ant size. Then the queen of the ants makes the kid live with them and learn their ways, cooperating and thinking like an ant. Then the kind has to save them all.
What's the Deal? You've mostly seen it before. It was called Antz. Then it was called A Bug's Life.
What It's Also About: How an evil violent capitalist learns the joys of communal living, conformity and socialism. Either that or a metaphor for George W. Bush being put on trial for war crimes against Iraq.
American Hardcore(2006)
OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: Henry Rollins, Ian MacKaye, Greg Ginn, Paul "H.R." Hudson, Brandon Cruz, Flea, Moby, Phil Anselmo, Hank Williams III
The Basics: If your favorite bands between 1980 and 1986 were Black Flag, Bad Brains, Minor Threat or Circle Jerks, then you were hardcore, and none of this movie will be news to you. But if you weren't hardcore (or just didn't care then), this information-packed documentary will explain it all for you.
What's the Deal? In the time before the Internet, there was a countercultural network of bands, college radio shows, zines and social groups, all created by members of the hardcore punk movement. It was about music and politics and fashion and furious young misfits, and their DIY aesthetic was so successful that they inadvertently paved the way for all the awful "alternative" and "punk" bands that came along after Nirvana. And even though most of the early punks are in their late 30s to late 40s, they're still grumpy about it.
What's Good About It: Lots of great archival footage of bands and fans from 25 years ago, the placement of the scene within a rabidly anti-Ronald Reagan political context and addressing the male domination and violence of the whole thing.
What's Lame About It: At 100 minutes, it's too long, with too many talking heads saying similar stuff. Those old songs were all 90 seconds long. Or less. The attention span of hardcore fans hasn't gotten much better as they've aged. I know this because Black Flag gave me tinnitus in 1984. Make the movie go faster!
Who's in It: Henry Rollins, Ian MacKaye, Greg Ginn, Paul "H.R." Hudson, Brandon Cruz, Flea, Moby, Phil Anselmo, Hank Williams III
The Basics: If your favorite bands between 1980 and 1986 were Black Flag, Bad Brains, Minor Threat or Circle Jerks, then you were hardcore, and none of this movie will be news to you. But if you weren't hardcore (or just didn't care then), this information-packed documentary will explain it all for you.
What's the Deal? In the time before the Internet, there was a countercultural network of bands, college radio shows, zines and social groups, all created by members of the hardcore punk movement. It was about music and politics and fashion and furious young misfits, and their DIY aesthetic was so successful that they inadvertently paved the way for all the awful "alternative" and "punk" bands that came along after Nirvana. And even though most of the early punks are in their late 30s to late 40s, they're still grumpy about it.
What's Good About It: Lots of great archival footage of bands and fans from 25 years ago, the placement of the scene within a rabidly anti-Ronald Reagan political context and addressing the male domination and violence of the whole thing.
What's Lame About It: At 100 minutes, it's too long, with too many talking heads saying similar stuff. Those old songs were all 90 seconds long. Or less. The attention span of hardcore fans hasn't gotten much better as they've aged. I know this because Black Flag gave me tinnitus in 1984. Make the movie go faster!
Accepted(2006)
OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: Justin Long, Adam Herschman, Jonah Hill, Blake Lively, Columbus Short, Maria Thayer, Lewis Black
The Basics: A bunch of academic rejects — led by the guy who plays the hip, multilingual Mac in those Mac vs. PC commercials — make their own college. It starts as a lie and then becomes real. And then they have to stand up for what they believe in, which is easy when all you believe in is partying.
What's the Deal? They hardly ever make "slobs vs. snobs" movies like this one anymore. And there's a reason. Dumb is hard to do in a smart way. And the great ones are rated R, and that always means smaller box-office gross than PG-13 stuff. This movie is the latter, tame and cuddly and sweet. But don't hate it for that. It's funnier than it has any right to be.
It Could Too Happen: This is one of those movies in which you just have to buy it that a bunch of people, too lazy to even deal with undemanding high-school work, would suddenly demonstrate magical powers of building renovation, turning a crumbling, abandoned mental hospital into a college dorm with really good furniture, paint jobs and wiring. Then there's the part where everyone who's in on the fake college scam would go to prison for fraud.
Who's in It: Justin Long, Adam Herschman, Jonah Hill, Blake Lively, Columbus Short, Maria Thayer, Lewis Black
The Basics: A bunch of academic rejects — led by the guy who plays the hip, multilingual Mac in those Mac vs. PC commercials — make their own college. It starts as a lie and then becomes real. And then they have to stand up for what they believe in, which is easy when all you believe in is partying.
What's the Deal? They hardly ever make "slobs vs. snobs" movies like this one anymore. And there's a reason. Dumb is hard to do in a smart way. And the great ones are rated R, and that always means smaller box-office gross than PG-13 stuff. This movie is the latter, tame and cuddly and sweet. But don't hate it for that. It's funnier than it has any right to be.
It Could Too Happen: This is one of those movies in which you just have to buy it that a bunch of people, too lazy to even deal with undemanding high-school work, would suddenly demonstrate magical powers of building renovation, turning a crumbling, abandoned mental hospital into a college dorm with really good furniture, paint jobs and wiring. Then there's the part where everyone who's in on the fake college scam would go to prison for fraud.
Shut Up and Sing(2006)
OUR REVIEW
by Dave White
Who's in It: Natalie Maines, Emily Robison, Martie Maguire
The Basics: The Dixie Chicks went from being a wildly successful country band to public enemies Nos. 1, 2 and 3 after lead singer Maines' onstage and off-the-cuff remark about being ashamed that George W. Bush is from Texas. This documentary follows the aftermath.
What's the Deal? You can hate them or love them. It hardly matters. But what you can't deny is that these three women, by refusing to apologize for Maines' statement, didn't whine and come crawling back for mercy when their band's career got hit by a laser-beam shrink ray in the months that followed. Most phony celebrities would do anything to rehab their image for their fan base. And they didn't. As a Texan, I'm proud they're from my home state.
Best Bits: Footage of Chicks-haters protesting outside concert venues, wearing homemade T-shirts and carrying signs scolding Maines. Now, I'm sure some of the protesters were articulate, educated human beings. They just didn't end up on camera. And that's fine by me; dumb = funny
by Dave White
Who's in It: Natalie Maines, Emily Robison, Martie Maguire
The Basics: The Dixie Chicks went from being a wildly successful country band to public enemies Nos. 1, 2 and 3 after lead singer Maines' onstage and off-the-cuff remark about being ashamed that George W. Bush is from Texas. This documentary follows the aftermath.
What's the Deal? You can hate them or love them. It hardly matters. But what you can't deny is that these three women, by refusing to apologize for Maines' statement, didn't whine and come crawling back for mercy when their band's career got hit by a laser-beam shrink ray in the months that followed. Most phony celebrities would do anything to rehab their image for their fan base. And they didn't. As a Texan, I'm proud they're from my home state.
Best Bits: Footage of Chicks-haters protesting outside concert venues, wearing homemade T-shirts and carrying signs scolding Maines. Now, I'm sure some of the protesters were articulate, educated human beings. They just didn't end up on camera. And that's fine by me; dumb = funny
Saw 3 (2006)
OUR REVIEW
by Dave White
Who's in It: Tobin Bell, Shawnee Smith, Angus Macfadyen, Bahar Soomekh, Dina Meyer
The Basics: Abandoning for good the idea of making the series frightening, the makers have decided that torture alone will make audiences happy. And they're right. The brutal machine-assisted murders are equal to — and sometimes even nastier than — the killings that occur in the first two movies. So enjoy yourselves, gore-o-philes.
What's the Deal? This time around, the rules of the first two films get tossed out the window. That's not a spoiler. They demonstrate the subversion of Jigsaw's "integrity" right off the bat. And, just like in the first two films, there's a nasty kick of an ending begging for a fourth installment. My only question is how Jigsaw's assistant, Amanda (Smith), got her engineering degree fast enough that she could design all these complicated murder devices.
Scariness Scale: Zero out of 10. In the first film, there was an uncertainty, a sense of mystery about who was doing the killings and why. They can never recapture that, and eventually they'll hit the wall of hard, blood-and-guts–soaked, R-rated mayhem and be forced to call it quits, or else descend into A Nightmare on Elm Street comedy.
Grossest Moment: It involves liquefied pig remains. That's as much of a spoiler as you're going to get out of me.
by Dave White
Who's in It: Tobin Bell, Shawnee Smith, Angus Macfadyen, Bahar Soomekh, Dina Meyer
The Basics: Abandoning for good the idea of making the series frightening, the makers have decided that torture alone will make audiences happy. And they're right. The brutal machine-assisted murders are equal to — and sometimes even nastier than — the killings that occur in the first two movies. So enjoy yourselves, gore-o-philes.
What's the Deal? This time around, the rules of the first two films get tossed out the window. That's not a spoiler. They demonstrate the subversion of Jigsaw's "integrity" right off the bat. And, just like in the first two films, there's a nasty kick of an ending begging for a fourth installment. My only question is how Jigsaw's assistant, Amanda (Smith), got her engineering degree fast enough that she could design all these complicated murder devices.
Scariness Scale: Zero out of 10. In the first film, there was an uncertainty, a sense of mystery about who was doing the killings and why. They can never recapture that, and eventually they'll hit the wall of hard, blood-and-guts–soaked, R-rated mayhem and be forced to call it quits, or else descend into A Nightmare on Elm Street comedy.
Grossest Moment: It involves liquefied pig remains. That's as much of a spoiler as you're going to get out of me.
ROMEO & JULIET: SEALED WITH A KISS (2006)
OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: The voices of Daniel Tippet, Tricia Trippett, Phil Nibbelink
The Basics: It's the animated Romeo and Juliet story. With seals. And a happy ending in which all formerly feuding seal families dance and make out. Because you want your kids to be shocked when they finally get old enough to see how it really goes down. And they use dialogue from Hamlet because, really, what difference does it make anyway? It's just a kids' movie, right? So to answer the question posed by one of the seals, "To be or not to be?" I vote "not to be."
What's the Deal? I've complained here before about the domination of 3-D computer animation and the glut of talking-animal movies that's resulted from the success of stuff like the Pixar films and Shrek. But after watching this homemade cheapie, I would like to apologize to everyone. I'll even kiss the boots of whoever made The Wild. That's how shoddy this thing is by comparison.
Who's in It: The voices of Daniel Tippet, Tricia Trippett, Phil Nibbelink
The Basics: It's the animated Romeo and Juliet story. With seals. And a happy ending in which all formerly feuding seal families dance and make out. Because you want your kids to be shocked when they finally get old enough to see how it really goes down. And they use dialogue from Hamlet because, really, what difference does it make anyway? It's just a kids' movie, right? So to answer the question posed by one of the seals, "To be or not to be?" I vote "not to be."
What's the Deal? I've complained here before about the domination of 3-D computer animation and the glut of talking-animal movies that's resulted from the success of stuff like the Pixar films and Shrek. But after watching this homemade cheapie, I would like to apologize to everyone. I'll even kiss the boots of whoever made The Wild. That's how shoddy this thing is by comparison.
Death of a President(2007)
OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: Hend Ayoub, Brian Boland, Becky Ann Baker, Robert Mangiardi, Jay Patterson, Jay Whittaker
The Basics: In the not-too-distant future, in addition to the sport of Rollerball, there will also be a successful attempt on the life of George W. Bush. This movie leaves out the Rollerball, though, and focuses on what happens after the president takes the bullet. And guess what? It turns out we look for a Muslim assailant first!
What's the Deal? I could appreciate this movie a whole lot more if it weren't so easy to figure out what's coming. That Muslim assailant? They find one, except he's not guilty. And who is? You'll have to see it to find out, but just pick the most obvious guy from the characters presented, and that's the one. It's as narratively lazy as it wants to be.
Who's in It: Hend Ayoub, Brian Boland, Becky Ann Baker, Robert Mangiardi, Jay Patterson, Jay Whittaker
The Basics: In the not-too-distant future, in addition to the sport of Rollerball, there will also be a successful attempt on the life of George W. Bush. This movie leaves out the Rollerball, though, and focuses on what happens after the president takes the bullet. And guess what? It turns out we look for a Muslim assailant first!
What's the Deal? I could appreciate this movie a whole lot more if it weren't so easy to figure out what's coming. That Muslim assailant? They find one, except he's not guilty. And who is? You'll have to see it to find out, but just pick the most obvious guy from the characters presented, and that's the one. It's as narratively lazy as it wants to be.
Catch a Fire
OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: Derek Luke, Tim Robbins, Bonnie Mbuli
The Basics: It's the true story of South African Patrick Chamusso (Luke) and how, in 1980, while apartheid was still happening, he was wrongly accused of committing a terrorist act. Then he was imprisoned and tortured for almost a year. And then — big surprise — he got out and joined the African National Congress and became radicalized.
What's the Deal? Seriously, the first half of this movie is like listening to Peter Gabriel's "Biko" over and over, and you wonder if it's just going to be a heavy-handed history lesson. But then the anger kicks in, and it gets complicated, asking moral questions of both the oppressors and the oppressed. You're not going to leave the theater happy to be alive, but you won't be insulted either.
Who's in It: Derek Luke, Tim Robbins, Bonnie Mbuli
The Basics: It's the true story of South African Patrick Chamusso (Luke) and how, in 1980, while apartheid was still happening, he was wrongly accused of committing a terrorist act. Then he was imprisoned and tortured for almost a year. And then — big surprise — he got out and joined the African National Congress and became radicalized.
What's the Deal? Seriously, the first half of this movie is like listening to Peter Gabriel's "Biko" over and over, and you wonder if it's just going to be a heavy-handed history lesson. But then the anger kicks in, and it gets complicated, asking moral questions of both the oppressors and the oppressed. You're not going to leave the theater happy to be alive, but you won't be insulted either.
THE Bridge
Full Review - The Bridge
Eric Steel's deeply disquieting documentary about death and the Golden Gate Bridge opens with a shocking, hard-to-shake image. On a gloriously sunny day, seemingly happy pedestrians stroll along the magnificent, mile-long suspension bridge's walkway, when suddenly and without warning, one man hops over the railing and plummets to his death. According to the Bridge Office, this was no isolated incident. In 2004, the year Steel set up cameras on the opposite banks of the Golden Gate Strait with the express purpose of filming the bridge for one whole year, 24 people jumped to their deaths. Famous as one of the seven wonders of the modern world and the second longest suspension bridge in existence, the Golden Gate Bridge also holds the grimmer distinction of being the world's No. 1 suicide destination. Steel's plan to film the bridge was inspired by "Jumpers," Tad Friend's New Yorker piece about the phenomenon, although Steel wanted to take it further by examining the lives of the men and women whose deaths he captured on tape, and the ways their suicides affected witnesses and the friends and family left behind. Steel focuses on a select few: Lisa Smith, a 44-year-old schizophrenic who was reportedly laughing as she jumped; 22-year-old Philip Manikow, whose mother says seemed drawn to the bridge from the moment he first saw it as a child; Ruby Rubenstein, who left behind a guilt-ridden friend; and depressed metalhead Gene Sprague, whose agonizing pacing is interspersed throughout the film — he finally makes his move in the final moments. Not everyone who breaches the surprisingly low railing dies — one woman is grabbed by a pedestrian, while another actually survives the plummet into the Bay — but far too many do. It's troubling stuff to be sure, and it helps to know that Steel tried to intervene, notifying the Bridge Office whenever it became apparent that one of the many people walking along the bridge and looking down into the water was about to jump. The problem is knowing who's suicidal before it's too late, and that's a big part of what makes watching Steel's footage such a harrowing experience. The film avoids theorizing about why the bridge should exert such a hold over the imaginations of suicides all over the world, but Steel's dramatic cinematography, particularly the distorted telephoto shots that make the bridge loom even larger than it already does in life, provide one answer. Gazing upon the bridge, particularly when the fog hangs so low over San Francisco Bay that its massive towers seem to poke through the sky itself, one learns the true meaning of the term "awesome." It's not so hard to imagine how this most beautiful of man-made structures might fill even the most cockeyed optimist with thoughts of insignificance, despair and self-destruction.
Eric Steel's deeply disquieting documentary about death and the Golden Gate Bridge opens with a shocking, hard-to-shake image. On a gloriously sunny day, seemingly happy pedestrians stroll along the magnificent, mile-long suspension bridge's walkway, when suddenly and without warning, one man hops over the railing and plummets to his death. According to the Bridge Office, this was no isolated incident. In 2004, the year Steel set up cameras on the opposite banks of the Golden Gate Strait with the express purpose of filming the bridge for one whole year, 24 people jumped to their deaths. Famous as one of the seven wonders of the modern world and the second longest suspension bridge in existence, the Golden Gate Bridge also holds the grimmer distinction of being the world's No. 1 suicide destination. Steel's plan to film the bridge was inspired by "Jumpers," Tad Friend's New Yorker piece about the phenomenon, although Steel wanted to take it further by examining the lives of the men and women whose deaths he captured on tape, and the ways their suicides affected witnesses and the friends and family left behind. Steel focuses on a select few: Lisa Smith, a 44-year-old schizophrenic who was reportedly laughing as she jumped; 22-year-old Philip Manikow, whose mother says seemed drawn to the bridge from the moment he first saw it as a child; Ruby Rubenstein, who left behind a guilt-ridden friend; and depressed metalhead Gene Sprague, whose agonizing pacing is interspersed throughout the film — he finally makes his move in the final moments. Not everyone who breaches the surprisingly low railing dies — one woman is grabbed by a pedestrian, while another actually survives the plummet into the Bay — but far too many do. It's troubling stuff to be sure, and it helps to know that Steel tried to intervene, notifying the Bridge Office whenever it became apparent that one of the many people walking along the bridge and looking down into the water was about to jump. The problem is knowing who's suicidal before it's too late, and that's a big part of what makes watching Steel's footage such a harrowing experience. The film avoids theorizing about why the bridge should exert such a hold over the imaginations of suicides all over the world, but Steel's dramatic cinematography, particularly the distorted telephoto shots that make the bridge loom even larger than it already does in life, provide one answer. Gazing upon the bridge, particularly when the fog hangs so low over San Francisco Bay that its massive towers seem to poke through the sky itself, one learns the true meaning of the term "awesome." It's not so hard to imagine how this most beautiful of man-made structures might fill even the most cockeyed optimist with thoughts of insignificance, despair and self-destruction.
BABEL(2006)
OUR REVIEW
Who's in It: Brad Pitt, Cate Blanchett, Elle Fanning, Gael García Bernal, Rinko Kikuchi, Koji Yakusho, Clifton Collins Jr., Michael Pena
The Basics: Last week I decided to try one of those McGriddles for breakfast, and it was so gross that I just tossed it out the window of my car. Then this jogging lady slipped on it and fell, breaking her ankle. She was in the middle of the road and another car ran over her. Sadly, she died in the arms of her husband, who happened to be jogging with her. He drank himself into a stupor at her funeral. Then Star Jones showed up. The next day there was an earthquake because of, um, something else that guy did after he sobered up. But seriously, no joke — the ankle, the car accident, the death and the earthquake? All because of that McGriddle. (This will all make sense soon enough.)
What's the Deal? Now I can tell you the actual plot. Here goes: A depressed widower in Tokyo has a horny, deaf teen daughter. Then, in Morocco, a Moroccan guy buys a gun and his dumb kids play with it and accidentally shoot Cate Blanchett in the neck. Brad Pitt is her husband, and he makes a lot of phone calls. One of the calls is to their Mexican nanny, whose job it is to watch Dakota Fanning's little sister. Then the nanny has to take Dakota Fanning's little sister and some other kid actor over the border into Mexico for a wedding. Then they get lost in the desert. Meanwhile, the horny, deaf girl goes clubbing with no panties on. Then you find out how she's connected to the other people.
What's Up With All This Crash B.S.? Well, in this film's defense, it's from Alejandro González Iñárritu, the guy who made Amores Perros, and the makers of Crash swiped from that movie a lot. The other thing is that it's way better than that stupid Crash — it's got a smarter script, it has better performances, it's beautiful to look at, it has fewer characters as plot devices and overall it's just got more brains per minute. Except for when the twisty plot becomes implausibly coincidental just so it can compound tragedy upon tragedy. This director loves pain a lot.
Who's in It: Brad Pitt, Cate Blanchett, Elle Fanning, Gael García Bernal, Rinko Kikuchi, Koji Yakusho, Clifton Collins Jr., Michael Pena
The Basics: Last week I decided to try one of those McGriddles for breakfast, and it was so gross that I just tossed it out the window of my car. Then this jogging lady slipped on it and fell, breaking her ankle. She was in the middle of the road and another car ran over her. Sadly, she died in the arms of her husband, who happened to be jogging with her. He drank himself into a stupor at her funeral. Then Star Jones showed up. The next day there was an earthquake because of, um, something else that guy did after he sobered up. But seriously, no joke — the ankle, the car accident, the death and the earthquake? All because of that McGriddle. (This will all make sense soon enough.)
What's the Deal? Now I can tell you the actual plot. Here goes: A depressed widower in Tokyo has a horny, deaf teen daughter. Then, in Morocco, a Moroccan guy buys a gun and his dumb kids play with it and accidentally shoot Cate Blanchett in the neck. Brad Pitt is her husband, and he makes a lot of phone calls. One of the calls is to their Mexican nanny, whose job it is to watch Dakota Fanning's little sister. Then the nanny has to take Dakota Fanning's little sister and some other kid actor over the border into Mexico for a wedding. Then they get lost in the desert. Meanwhile, the horny, deaf girl goes clubbing with no panties on. Then you find out how she's connected to the other people.
What's Up With All This Crash B.S.? Well, in this film's defense, it's from Alejandro González Iñárritu, the guy who made Amores Perros, and the makers of Crash swiped from that movie a lot. The other thing is that it's way better than that stupid Crash — it's got a smarter script, it has better performances, it's beautiful to look at, it has fewer characters as plot devices and overall it's just got more brains per minute. Except for when the twisty plot becomes implausibly coincidental just so it can compound tragedy upon tragedy. This director loves pain a lot.
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